It's time to move forward

When I started writing this blog, it was on the recommendation from a few of those witnessing the heart ache I went through in the throes of this whole divorce thing. The primary impetus was simply the cathartic value. As I wrote, the associated feelings seemed to simply melt away. Yay for me! Right?

Well lately, every time I sit to write something, instead of an emotional cleansing, I actually end up reliving it. Suddenly all the tears and heart ache are right back with a vengeance! I have started and stopped several new articles owing to a fragile heart. This unfortunately turned my catharsis into a mind-numbing and emotionally taxing task. Something I simply cannot abide.

So... in spite of all the positive feedback I have received, all the personal emails I have received and (hopefully) all those who found value in my words as they relate to their own situations, I am halting this blog. I will likely not be writing again. At least not any time soon. Perhaps, when my divorce is over and done and I am finally able to move forward with some sense of normalcy, I will revisit.

I'd like to express my sincere appreciation for the support I've received. It's been an awesome value. But it's time for me to look forward. To dive into some much neglected writing projects that have absolutely nothing to do with my divorce. A lot of those who have read this blog have my personal email address. You are all welcome to reach out. Be it for a social invitation, the need for a shoulder and open ears, you are not only welcome to write me... but invited as well.

Just remember... as you travel this ugly divorce road, don't forget to breath. Everything is temporary and while it may not feel like it now... you will emerge from the muck and will be a stronger person for it.

     Cheers to you all!

     Karl Valentine-Rothenberg

I learned something that I've always known

Discovery can be a wonderful thing. Experiencing the new and unknown brings with it excitement, adventure, a sense of venturing into a new and wonderful place. This is not one of those discoveries. Rather it's an unearthing of something I've always known about myself. Yet I guess I never knew that I knew. I'm posting this here because, albeit indirectly, it is something about me that served as one of my contributions to the end of my marriage.

In matters of the heart I am a terribly passionate man who falls rather quickly. This can be a good thing if the one on the receiving end happens to be receptive to it. As was the case of my first wife. However in the case of my second wife - the woman from whom I'm divorcing now - it turns out not to have been the wisest thing. You see, in that case I did in fact fall quickly. Yet it took some time for her. Owing to this paradigm I allowed myself to move at a pace that was always several steps ahead of her. Imbalance. And this resulted in my feeling as though there was never enough.

Which brings me to the present day. It's no secret I have been involved with what I consider to be a wonderful lady. She possesses all the qualities essential for one who would capture my heart. Including wisdom. I won't lie, I have fallen for her. The difference in this case however, is the combination of her wise, pragmatic view and mine (at least what I have acquired in my tender years). With her help I am focused more on the moment and the goodness that it brings. Certainly I have this natural tendency toward forward movement. Which is where her wisdom and pragmatism are an essential element in our relationship. She keeps me grounded, at times kicking and screaming, in the "now" thus allowing whatever forward movement to emerge naturally. Balance.

I chatted with my first wife about this. I asked her if I am indeed one who moves so quickly. She laughed. And once that subsided she said it this way, "You're like a kid who gets excited about something and you just dive in." I guess that's a fair assessment. But I maintain, that while I may fall quickly, it is real. I just need to learn how to slow down a bit. Allow the forward movement to emerge naturally instead of putting effort into making it happen. And as I said, I have found someone who (a) understands this about me and (b) is able to keep me in the present. Again... balance.

I guess you can consider this a re-discovery about myself. Something from which I choose to take as a relearned lesson. I believe if I can master this "take it easy and slow down" approach to matters of the heart, I will be much better off for it.

Don't mind me... I'm just ranting

I've been intentionally quiet these days. Opting for an emersion into what I would think to be a regular life. Given the conditions under which I have been living, hum-drum and average have a compelling draw. Yet I still find that the more I delve into the regular I am also burdened by a nagging sense of "all is not well" with my world.

The concrete stuff; close friends and family members with extreme health issues, unusual work-related challenges, somewhat of an impasse with someone important, trying to get a handle on cash-flow, the need to spend more than I want, weekend get-aways that are in jeopardy of cancellations for a variety of reasons, obligations stemming from my having spread myself too thin, my divorce has again stalled, waiting for my X2B to respond to the latest round of junk. And those evenings when I am home alone, I still find the silence deafening. It's all becoming too much.

These are the days where I'd like very much to simply vanish and find some solace that allows me to escape this "regular" world. To allow me a comfortable and stress-free rest. Oh how I long for a quiet and unencumbered, unburdened existence. One possible solution would be to be a witness to some horrific crime that causes me to fall into a witness-protection program where I am able to reinvent my life from the ground up. Where I can have a new identity, move to a place where no one knows me, to live afresh with no burdens or liabilities or boundaries. That's the ticket! An entirely new me. But alas the cost for such a fantasy is far too great.

Forgive my ranting. I'm just venting here because I'm certain my friends are simply tired of hearing it.

Turns out I'm angry

In a meeting with my therapist last night (yes, how very California of me), it became rather clear that I am not as well-adjusted as I had believed. After chatting and then hearing her observations I am realizing that I am not as balanced as I had thought. Without divulging details, I shared with my therapist, my feelings on the mechanics of the divorce and what my official position happens to be. She asked me why. And with very little consideration I stated the following:

• She put me through thirteen years of what turns out to have been a false set of circumstances.
• Thirteen years were wasted where I could have devoted myself to something real and therefore sustainable.
• I will never get that period of time back. Wasted and resulting in the harsh realization that my life with my wife was seeded in dishonesty

My therapist's response, "So you're pissed!" I denied that and she repeated it. And well... I guess I am. Angry. I feel as though I have been away from anything meaningful in life and now that I'm back, I find that missing thirteen years serves as a detriment to me in the grand scheme of things. It's very hard to articulate but absent those years, I am also absent the growth and love that I COULD have enjoyed. I feel as though I am owed something for that.

So yes... I'm angry. I'm downright pissed off! I never deserved this and contrary to what some would think of me, I am a good and decent person. You just don't mess with the lives of good and decent people. You just don't!

My girlfriend and my 1st wife

I haven't seen my son in a year. He lives in England with his wife and kids. He flew into Vegas last week, staying with his mom (my 1st wife) and they drove down to Southern California this past weekend. She stayed with friends, and my son stayed with me. It was an awesome experience being able to share in some very cool father-son time. On Sunday afternoon, I introduced him to my girlfriend.

While seeing my son and my lady sitting, chatting, laughing, warmed me beyond imagination, that's not really the purpose for this post. Instead, I'm sharing the experience of having my girlfriend, meet my first wife. It happened Sunday evening when we dropped him off with his mom. After enjoying a some nice Peruvian food at Mario's, we took my son back to where his mom was staying. Owing to past experiences with past women, I assumed my girlfriend would choose to wait in the car. Nope! She went into the apartment with me. Dig it!

Special note: In this blog, spread out over several posts are two very important messages that are consistently conveyed (as they apply here); First, I am enjoying a growing and special friendship with my first wife. Secondly, my heart has been captured by one very special lady.

Now... picture this:

Introductions were made. We stayed to visit for a bit... So here I am standing up on a small patio while at the table, seated side-by-side, are my girlfriend and my ex-wife. Let me say this one more time for added punctuation, my first wife and my girlfriend were at the table, seated together... Chatting! Laughing! I'll be honest, I don't remember what they were actually talking about. I was too preoccupied with the scene itself. I think there may have been some mention of lots of embarrassing stories about me. But I don't know for sure. I found myself a bit nervous, though can't really identify why. I just know that the adrenaline started to work on me and after only a few more minutes, I announced it was time to leave. They hugged!!! I swear I saw it! My ex and my girlfriend.... I'm amazed.... just amazed...

As I mentioned; due to the experiences I have had in the past, I felt it would be an uncomfortable situation and wrongfully believed my girlfriend would opt to maintain distance. When she made it clear she had no intention of doing so, I was very moved. It warmed me to know she was happily willing to be included. It also made me nervous as hell. :-)

I just want it to be over

I have, at last, been fully engaged in the mechanical process of divorce. While it may be fortunate that we have a fairly cut and dry situation - No kids, very little over which to argue, etc. - it leaves me numb. All of it leaves me wishing the world would simply swallow me up so I don't have to deal with it any longer. Or at least swallow HER up (I know... that was a mean-spirited thing to say. And for that I apologize. But I just want it to go away!).

In the wonderful world of divorce, a response to anything must follow a rigid set of processes that include specific documents and disclosures followed by a sequence of actions that must be taken in a time sensitive fashion. This includes serving and filings in the appropriate manner with the appropriate courts. Mechanically that's pretty simple. Yet my having to actually go through the motions is what has me close to losing it. It all requires my concentration, time, and dollars!

One hassle after another has plagued me and thus prevents me from getting anything done with any sense of ease. I have to take time off work, fight Los Angeles traffic, battle state mandated furlough days and courthouse closures, make appearances in a variety of places for a variety of reasons. Each of which bring with it, it's own set of painful headaches. Add to this the need to remain focused on other things, and I have a recipe for absolute agony!

Agony... It's bad enough that she is asking for the ridiculously unreasonable, and that I have to deal with the emotional impact of this crap on an ongoing basis. I also have to figure out how to balance it all against obligations to work, family, self. I feel weak. As though one more thing will cause me to simply crumble. I just want it all to be over.

Why get married?

This was a question put to me a couple nights ago. My initial response, though somewhat tongue-in-cheek was to point out that there is no material benefit for anyone in being married. Everything that one gains from a marriage can be had without it. Companionship, economic benefits, someone to speak for you in the event you cannot, kids. Of course that was more in jest than anything else.

But let it be known right now, that the mere mention of the word "Married" causes me to freeze up and become tongue-tied, unable to speak. I end up with the proverbial blank stare and can feel the fight-or-flight response kicking in. Which of course means I am not anywhere near ready to entertain such a notion. However, I am a "married" sort of man. In truth most of my mourning is over the loss of a marriage... not so much the loss of my wife. I'm not trying to be mean here but it's the lifestyle that I miss the most. Which is why the question of "Why get married?" is such an important one.

By way of explanation of what it means to me...

Being a person in a marriage makes me a part of something much larger than myself. It provides a solid sense of family for me. A sense of "home." I lay down and wake up next that special person... an exclusive person. A person with whom to share all of my successes and failures. My wife would be for me, and I for her, a staunch advocate, a protector, the biggest cheer leader, the harshest critic, an enthusiastic lover, an admired partner, the safest person with whom to be completely exposed and vulnerable, a witness to life. Married means an elevated sense of relationship. A relationship that is in and of itself completely different than any other relationship I enjoy.

These are just the parts that I am able to articulate. The truth is, for me, being married goes much deeper than mortal words can express. It affects me at the level of the human spirit. Having experienced that In my life... having grown in mind, body, spirit, heart, because of it, I know without reservation, that is where I want to be. Am I capable of that today? Likely not. But it is the ultimate goal.

I should be celebrating

I mentioned in a recent post that I got served. What this translates to is that my wife did the filing and even though I expected it, it still feels as though she drew first blood. The wound hit directly and deeply into my heart. From a positioning perspective, I am officially the respondent. And that puts me at an emotional disadvantage.

Last night, while battling with myself to actually do it, I sat at my dining room table and completed the paperwork that will serve, in part, as my "response." It was likely the most difficult thing I've had to do thus far. I'm not talking about the mechanical part of filling in all the blanks. That was actually rather easy. The hard part was actually doing it; putting pen to paper and answering the questions that are all designed to formulate in certain terms, what I expect in the dissolve of my marriage. My marriage has been reduced to a set of business-like negotiations. It's sad how something that at one time was a beautiful thing, can be reduced to mere paperwork.

To date, each day that has passed, seems to have been some sort of temporary existence. I've mentioned it before; I feel as though my real life is still waiting for me to return. This is just some sort of visit that I'm on. Yet filling out the paperwork served, as did many other little acts, to solidly define my life. My life as a "not married" man. The process has most definitely started.

What I find very interesting however, are my emotions. I know I'm a terribly expressive man. I find no shame in crying. I wanted this. I expected this. I have cited many example about why this is better for me, how my life will be better. My heart will be better. And I am feeling very real and very strong evidence of that. Yet this has me, once again, heartbroken. Why? I just want to know why I feel so terrible. The very thing I want with complete certainty, also happens to be the thing that breaks my heart.

I should be celebrating...

It's the little things

I was finally able to make my iPod dock work with my home stereo system. It’s been something for which I have been terribly anxious because now that it’s done, I can listen to all my favorite music, which has been held captive in a digital library. The favorites of which are in one of two iPods.

I’m now sitting here in my living room, listening to some of my favorite Latin music, Gloria Estefan. The song is called Farolito. It brings with it a wonderful, almost tribal rhythm, heavily laden with deep percussion. It’s the sort of music that one feels instead of hears. I can sense the beat of my heart while the music plays.

Way back, before I started dating my wife, I had grown to really enjoy Latin music and the way it captures the soul. I love Latin music because it causes me to move. But when my wife and I started dating, and then growing together in a meaningful relationship, my indulgence in the music diminished and almost disappeared entirely. I’m not blaming her for that. I blame myself. When we were together I opted to listen to the music we both understood, and I learned about other types of music from her as well. But Latin music… that was all but gone.

Today, I’m listening to it again. I play it in my car. I play it through the stereo system on my motorcycle. Now I can play it at home. Not constantly mind you. I do enjoy all forms of music. But, today my ability to play the Latin music whenever I like has returned. And for that I am grateful. It’s the latest piece of evidence that illustrates how the little things mean so very much to me and how they have been so very absent in my married life.

The little things, when aggregated, become the very things that drive us. Subtleties cause us either to appreciate or to loathe our lives. In my view it’s not about economic success or stature in the community or our relationship status. Instead it’s about warming the maple syrup, or noticing the new tablecloth, or picking just the right bubble bath, or allowing the music to move you. Those are the things, for me anyway, that make me love the direction my life is taking.

Don’t mind me… I’m just rambling.

Great wine pairings (or not)

So... this post has absolutely nothing to do with my separation or pending divorce. I’ve grown a bit tired of always focusing on my sadness, stress, worry, anger or general crappy feeling. So much so that this evening, after having enjoyed my dinner, I am going to instead focus on one of my newly discovered interests. Wine! Well, more specifically this post is about wine pairings. You know... the things that go WITH wine.

I’ve learned from some of the women in my life – my wonderful girlfriend, my daughter (she’s old enough), my mom, my best friend – that most women think it’s pretty damn sexy when a guy knows a thing or two about wine and what goes well with what. So, if you‘re a guy and want to impress the ladies – and trust me when I say this to you guys – stop reading now. None of this will help you. Really, I’m serious. Try this stuff with your date and you are certain NOT to get any.

I’ve developed quite a fondness for red wine. I love a good Merlot, Pinot, and I’m quite taken by the deeper reds like a nice Cabernet or Malbec. Ah! There is nothing quite so grand as sipping on a nice smooth Malbec, surrounded by soft candlelight and some nice jazz. A particular favorite of mine is Fabre Montmayour Grand Reserva from Argentina (About $20.00 a bottle at Wine Country in Long Beach). Being on a quest for understanding what does and what does not go well with such a wonderful full-bodied wine I decided to experiment a little. I should note here that I am so NOT qualified to discuss any of this.

First up; PB&J! Don’t try it... You won’t like it... I promise... But in all fairness it could be that when I make my version of the classic PB&J, it includes gobs of butter. I’m just sayin!

Okay next; Hotdogs! Nope, strike two. But again in all fairness I need to include my preparation style for the almighty dog. Here’s what you do; Grab a couple. I like turkey dogs myself but you can grab any that you like. Slice those puppies lengthwise about half way through and zap em in the ole microwave for about a minute. Be sure to pull them out BEFORE they explode (trust me on that one). Smear them in spicy mustard, wrap them with mild cheddar inside a flower tortilla and zap them again to melt the cheese. Yum! But not good with the Malbec. Oh man! REALLY NOT GOOD!

One more try; Apple-cinnamon Nutragrain bars. Now let it be known that my girlfriend doesn’t like Nutragrain bars. Though I don’t know why! They are fruity little treasures and very nutritious. I mean it’s right there in the name! NUTRA-grain. Right? And there is no preparation either. You simply rip the packaging and viola, munchies! That taste like absolute crap with the wine. But if you’re anything like me, by the time you get to this third test, you will have consumed so much wine that you really won’t care.

I am now sitting here trying desperately to wash the peanut butter, butter, jelly, hotdog with spicy mustard and cheese, and apple-cinnamon off my tongue so I can go back to enjoying my wine with a good, after-dinner smoke. Now THAT’s a pairing!

Like Father Like Son

The only thing worse than my going through a divorce that has proven to be a prolonged emotional experience, is that it would seem my son is entering into it as well. Like me, my son feels everything deeply and as a dad, it's very difficult to see him going through this. Equally hard is the fact that he and his wife and kids live in a different country so It's not like I can simply pop over to be with him.

Ironically, his mom (my first wife) is also going through her own marital issues. Mother, father, and son, each going through the same thing at the same time. I actually find this to be very interesting and a notable thing indeed. We are privy to each other's deepest fears and emotions in this and at the same time, helpful to one another in a variety of ways.

If there is a silver lining to this, it would be that the three of us have come together with primary focus on my son, and working through the experience and inevitable issues together... United... Almost like a real family. Don't get me wrong... while my first wife and I have what I think to be a very special friendship, I have no intent, desire, or notion of any sort of reconciliation. Frankly one of the reasons she and I share such a good relationship now, is because we AREN'T married anymore. Not to mention the fact that my heart belongs to someone else and quite frankly, I want to keep it that way.

The down-side is this has happened at a very low point for me. I am dealing with my issues, all stemmed from this divorce. Depression, apathy, indecision, fear, work-life, home-life, money... blah blah blah. Lately I feel like simply throwing in the towel on everything and letting whatever happens... happen. This thing with my son and my need to remain strong and guiding for him has helped however, to renew my vigor, my push to stay strong, my focus. So I guess that's another good thing that has come from all this.

I just hope I have the strength to deal with everything at the same time. Life's tests...

Still frazzled

If you've been following along over the past few days you will see that the conditions under which I exist have changed dramatically. For the most part I've been traveling through my day-to-day life fairly well. Sure, there are always challenges and mistakes to be made but regardless, from an overall perspective things have been okay. Albeit constantly overshadowed by the sense that it's not really my life and rather one that I am only visiting. In the past few days however, I have gone from this happy-go-lucky life to a paradigm of absolute chaos. In a sense I feel like I am losing it... losing control. From the perspective of my heart, I can't seem to find the way to dig out. And it's really getting to me.
Posted this week:

• I let Depression Take Over
• Expectation vs. Actual
• An Interesting Piece of Business
• It's All Just Too Much
• Served

I have noticed however that I'm not breaking down and crying as much I did early on. Or with as much gusto. I still feel like the tears are just about to burst free, yet they seem to stay for the most part, at the ready but not yet visible. Nevertheless, I am at the moment akin to a lost child who desperately needs to be taken by the hand and lead through this world of indecision. I'm not used to feeling lost, weak, ambivalent.

While leaning on my wonderful lady, she reminded me of one of the mantras that I will typically cite when I'm the guy on which someone else leans; "Life will never give us a challenge that is beyond our ability to handle it." We are never faced with anything that is beyond our ken. What I find funny is I am damn good at giving advice and counsel to others, okay maybe not "damn" good but you know what I mean. Why is it that I am incapable of doing that for myself? Why do I need to be reminded by someone else of the very thing I tell others? As though it's a new piece of wisdom I never knew existed?

In any event, the overall feeling of complete chaos is NOT the way I want to live. What I need is solidity, consistency, predictability, and to have an outlook of life that is conducive to my actually enjoying it and more importantly, looking forward to it.

Served

I was served last night. This comes after a very recent, and increasingly angry email exchange between myself and X2B. Reading through paperwork like this is never easy and I swear it's written with the absolute intent to confuse and bewilder. I freaked out... just a bit... for only a few minutes.... okay maybe a little more than a few... but you know what I mean.

I called my lady-friend (Does "girlfriend" sound better?). She talked me down. Got me breathing again. I poured some wine. She reminded me that documents like this are prepared in such a way as to cause a certain level of panic. Well, it worked! She told me to breathe (apparently I had stopped again). I won't get into details here but...Bottom line, X2B is asking for the unreasonable and unachievable. Feeling better. More wine. Still breathing.

This morning I'm still a little upset but in all honesty, after reading through the paperwork a couple more times and sleeping on it, I'm okay. Not panicked. Still upset at the finality of it all, but that's normal. I sometimes find it odd how two people can go from "I love you" to "I want to hurt you." I don't know when or where that happened. Ultimately, this whole divorce thing is finally and officially underway. And that means there is now a foreseeable end to it all. Good. After everything is said and done I will be able to walk away, completely disconnected from her and able to burry this period of my life. I think I'll call the last thirteen years, "That time I was away."

TGIF!

It's all just too much

I have been doing just fine up to the past few days. Over the last two days I've been emailing back and forth with my X2B... having to decline requests from her, dealing with the fallout from that, anticipating additional issues that will mean taking this to a full-blown pain in my back-side. All the while dealing with the repercussions of having allowed the depression get to me and intruding itself into my work.

At the present moment I am about two inches away from just losing it entirely! I'm pissed, bitter, and on the edge of out-and-out crying. Work problems, money issues, issues with the X2B going on "attack the heart mode" and now I have a feeling it's time to hire an attorney. But wait... owing to a variety of reasons, I find myself without resources. Am I missing anything? Oh yeah... my son is having grown-up issues with which I should be better equipped to help, and I can't seem to figure out how to do something as simple as manage my own f---king life, my planned trip to see my son and his family is seriously in jeopardy (again for a variety of reasons) and one of my best friends is in the hospital and I can't even go to see him.

Don't mind me... right now I am just ranting... and stomping my feet... and being a big pathetic baby! Woe is me! My life sucks! How can this possibly get any worse? Wah wah wah! Does anyone have a giant hole into which I can crawl and escape the rest of the world? Please... anyone?

An interesting bit of business

My wife contacted me to ask for my authorization in the use of my personal information for the purposes of her obtaining a loan modification on the house. She copied me on an email exchange between her and the loan agent and I include it here for your perusal (note that names and lending organization have been removed in the spirit of protecting privacy), displayed with the most recent at top:

Karl,
please read through the thread and let me know if you're willing. thanks.

=====================================

Mrs.X,

I have been advised due to this being and FHA government program that getting around the spouse information is not an option. I inquired about how it was that you did not provide this information before and was advised if you did a conventional loan this is not a requirement. This is not a Chase guideline it is government. We have to underwrite off their guidelines with no exceptions. I will hold onto your loan until you advise how you want to proceed.

Thank You,
Loan Agent
=====================================
Subject: Re: REFINANCE

Hi Loan Agent -

I apologize for being such a pain about this and I thank you for your patience. I am attaching a PDF that includes the county recorded interspousal transfer deed on my property. The first 3 pages after the cover are the deed. If it is possible to resubmit with this deed to underwriting to see if they will accept it as proof my husband signed over the property to me, I would like to try it first before any other route involving his credit being pulled.

Thank you in advance.
Regards,
Mrs. X
=====================================
On Mon, May 3, 2010 at 12:34 PM,

Mrs. X,

We will not be considering his income in this loan…infact he will not be on the loan at all. We just require that we review his liabilities due to your state being community property. Per the law we cannot get around this . If he would like to call me to discuss that is also fine. I have attached an authorization form in the event he will comply
Thanks
Loan Agent

=====================================

From: Mrs. X
Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2010 8:30 PM
To: Loan agent
Subject: Re: REFINANCE
Dear Loan agent -
I am attempting to get a copy of the interspousal transfer deed signed by my husband when we refi'd. If that will be satisfactory to continue this process, please let me know. If you need a new one to be signed by him for the loan modification to continue, then if you can email me what he needs to sign, I will get him to sign it and get it back to you asap.

He will not consent to having his credit pulled, nor do I want his income/debt considered when I am the sole person on title of the house currently and will be continuing payments with only my income.

Thank you for your assistance.
Regards,
Mrs. X
=====================================
Hi Mrs. X

Unfortunately we do have to have his information. I can assure that he will not be on the loan ,but since your divorce not final and California is a community property state , we cannot proceed to Underwrite without that information.

Loan Agent

=====================================
From: Mrs. X
Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2010 11:55 AM
To: Loan Agent
Subject: Re: REFINANCE
Dear Loan Agent -

My husband and I are going through a divorce. I doubt he will comply. Does that mean, this is over?
Thanks,
Mrs. X

=====================================
Hi Mrs. X,

Per my voicemail message , California is a community property state and since you are married we will need your spouse information such as full name, birthday and social security number. I have also attached an authorization form for him to sign so that we can pull credit for him . He will not be on the loan but any debt that he has will be conisdered when calculating debt to income ratios.

Please let me know if you have any questions and if you could forward the requested information I will get your file back to Underwriting asap.
Thank You in advance
Loan Agent

After checking with professionals who know of such things, I in the end, declined to allow the use of my personal information. Which of course has made my X2B very angry. And me very stressed. But I have to say this.. and in truth it pains me. I would like to believe my X2B to be above anything underhanded or unscrupulous. But after discussing this with both professionals and laypeople as well, it's starting to smell really funny. I am not accusing her because I still believe her to be a "high-road" person. Yet it's very hard to ignore the gut feeling I get from this.

I have a feeling that the real ugliness is about to begin.

Expectation vs. Actual

My wife and I officially separated on December 7, 2009. I moved out of the house late January 2010. Since then there has been very little interaction between she and I. Lately I've been wondering why there has been no movement toward actually filing for divorce and starting that process. Potentially to my own detriment, I have been waiting for her to do something. To take control, as is her nature, and start the process. I have also decided that if I did not see anything by the end of this month, I would go ahead and file just to get things moving.

Today, I had the honor of an email exchange with her, and in that exchange I said it's time to get things going. Now, one would expect with my current mindset, given that I have gone from heart-break to anxiously awaiting the start of the divorce process, that I'd be relieved when it actually starts.

Her response to my statement was simple;

Karl,
I filed 6 wks ago. If you haven't been served yet, it is imminent.

As I said, I have been anxious to have the process start. My rationale; the sooner it starts, the sooner it will be done. At this stage of things, I am actually quite motivated to simply be divorced so I can finally get my life out of limbo. So I can finally and openly enjoy all the goodness from the woman who has captured my heart. So I can do so without feeling as though I need to be careful of who sees me, or what my X2B might think. I can live and breathe as a man who is tied to no one in any material sense.

So can someone tell me why, after receiving what is supposed to be welcomed news that I am on the verge of tears? In spite of the fact that I want this now... in spite of the fact that I have been expecting it.. I am terribly sad. This actually hurts... deeply...

I let depression take over

Well… it’s happened. One of the things I feared the most… saw it coming yet was unable to stop it. I’d like to say it is entirely due to the separation but alas I cannot. At most, my separation and the resulting head-trip it’s put me through are only in a small part responsible.

Giving in to the depression that has resulted first from a difficult marriage and then from my separation, I fell down on the job and that has resulted in some problematic and embarrassing issues that I now have to correct. This isn’t something that suddenly happened. It’s been building over the past year or so. As I said, I saw it coming and have only myself to blame.

As I said, I’d like very much to fault my separation for this. That would be easy. But the truth is, I should have been tougher than this. I’m a grown man… I’m a professional… this isn’t supposed to happen to me. I should have been able to manage it better. Now… Not only do I have something that needs fixing at work, I also have the resulting embarrassment to overcome as well. And don’t even get me started on the massive bruising my ego has taken. Damn it!

Difficult Discussions

Last night I had a discussion about my soon to be terminated marriage. And unbeknownst to my conversational partner, I was asked some questions (innocently of course) that sort of caused me to take a harsh and honest look at myself. Now the specific questions or their answers aren't really germane to this post. What is, are the things I did, and in some cases didn’t do early in my relationship with the woman that would become my wife.

Simply stated, there were a number of behaviors that raised red flags. These occurred well before we were ever married and in fact, were brought up in conversation before the wedding by my best friend who simply wanted to stop me from making a mistake. Of course I didn't listen. Not to my best friend and more importantly, not to myself. I dare say that if I had listened to me back then, she and I would have never been married and I would have never lost the time I spent in a marriage that was destined to fail.

So how does all that apply to the present day? A couple ways. First, while dating my wife I was not cautious enough and instead was rather cavalier about certain things... even pretended certain things didn't exist. Today I am the opposite and find that I have become far too cautious. It has me gun-shy. While I am more attuned to the lifestyle of the married man, the idea of ever getting married again has me so absolutely petrified it's beyond comprehension. Granted, it is way premature to contemplate marriage again but it is something I think about and something that in the grand scheme of things, is where I'd like to end up. But right now... the idea of marriage only brings about abject fear.

The other area where this all applies is actually a good thing. Simply put, I am using my head more. Which is new territory for me. Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am driven solely by my heart. Today I am taking a much more pragmatic approach to romance and relationships. This is not to say that my heart is excluded from the equation but rather my head carries equal weight in governing my romantic pursuits. I am keeping my eyes open. I am making sure to listen to all the little alarms that go off in my head and deal with them as they do.

I can't and won't pretend anymore. Else end up right here again and at my age, I can't afford to invest my heart or my time again into something that will eventually fail. So I will say this... IF I ever pop the question... IF I ever put my heart there again... it will only be after a lot of good, hard, eyes-wide-open, pragmatic, and honest understanding of the person I'm with.

I guess you can say I've grown up a little.

Refreshing the pain

I was chatting with a good friend, who like me, is going through his own divorce (albeit under different circumstances). In that conversation something came up that started me thinking. I am finding that participating in environments (like discussions in a divorce support group) where others share their painful story, and I do the same, actually causes me to dwell heavily on the very thing that originally broke my heart.

Each time I find myself in such an environment and re-tell my story it refreshes the sting. I'm suddenly forced to see it all, experience it again, feel it as though it just happened. Suddenly I'm restarting the whole dam emotional process! My heart breaks anew. Repeatedly! All the feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, insecurity, apathy, a poor self-image, etc. hit me right square in the face! With tremendous force!

My goal, with respect to my emotional self, is to reach a point where my divorce is nothing more than a small and insignificant piece of my personal history. Not something that, whenever it's brought up, causes me to start the grieving process all over again. Does that mean I must continue to discuss it? That I must repeat the heart break again and again until I simply stop feeling it? It just seems to me that I should be taking myself as far away from it as I possibly can. Yet I question if that's the right thing to do too.

I want to be normal! I want to have this experience behind me! I don't want to be in the middle of it anymore! And I don't want to feel like crying every blasted time it comes up in conversation! Is that too much to ask?

Blessings

Whenever I start to believe my current state of mind and state of heart are going to settle into something... everything changes. I have enjoyed the last week feeling pretty dam great. I even wrote about how I feel guilty at my indifference to my pending divorce. This morning however I woke up in a foul state.

I've been doing very well at managing the mechanics of my life (bland though it may be). I keep my place clean, I feed myself, I shower regularly, I pay attention to my work responsibilities (though I tend to do it from home), my bills are paid on time, yet I still feel as though I will be waking up from a dream soon.

A dynamite lady has captured my heart. She is like a sunrise on a crisp, chilly morning. With her I feel strong, manly, and just a little bit taller. When I have her wrapped up in my arms I'm substantial. She takes care of me, worries about me, laughs with me, and is slowly making me believe that I am truly worth something. Yet I still wake up lonely with a terrible feeling of insecurity.

But in spite of it all. In spite of the sadness, loneliness, insecurity that all come and go with seemingly no consistency whatsoever, I am surrounded by people who are there to lift me up, who make me realize I am worth it, who provide a shoulder or ear whenever I need it, and have never asked for anything in return. These are all the blessings that I enjoy and appreciate.

My kids, my best female friend "B", my best male friend "M", my very special lady "J", my mom (Yes at the tender age of 49 I still need mom). And there are two additional folks who don't realize how much they have helped that deserve to be acknowledged and listed among my "blessings." I met both through the divorce support group to which I belong. "J" and "K". You two have helped me more than you know and I appreciate it.

I know it's hard to identify those people when all I use are a single letter but remember my rule... no names on this blog. At least not yet. But all those noted here know who they are. And I hope to God they realize how much I appreciate them.

Feeling guilty that I'm not feeling badly

I realize that I find it rather easy to write about that which brings about extreme emotional reaction. The things that hurt, break my heart, make me cry, or just leave me feeling sad or lonely. When things are doing well, I am hard pressed to figure out what to write or how to do so.

Today is one such day. More precisely stated, this past week has been such a week. For the past seven days my life has been, for lack of a better term, ordinary. I've been working, enjoying my hobbies, spending time with my lady friend, and just cruising through my days like I haven't a care in the world. Even the occasional work-related challenge doesn't impact my delicate sensibilities.

I am however, grappling with tremendous guilt. Guilty that I am not feeling badly. There is a small part of me that believes I SHOULD be upset, sad, lonely, angry, bitter etc. with respect to my split from my wife. But I don't feel any of those things. Truth be told, when it comes to my marital end, I am indifferent. I neither feel bad nor good about it. I simply feel guilty about my indifference. If that makes any sense at all.

The one thing that stands out though, is I have volunteered to be on a call-list for our divorce support group and have made myself available for anyone who simply needs to talk. I remember when I started down this road, I desperately needed someone to talk to, to lean on, even scream at. Someone who understood what I was going through. So now that I have reached this point in the emotional process I am happy to help others get here too. Why have I done this? Simple... because when one helps others, he helps himself. I honestly believe in that. The simple act of providing a shoulder, or an ear, or some friendly counsel, brings it to myself as well. And while I may not be feeling badly at the moment, I know that I am not out of the woods yet. Knowing myself, I am all too aware that it takes very little to catapult me back into the emotional mess I was in at the start of this journey. I'm at least aware enough to know that.

So that's all I have for today. Who knows, maybe I'll get a call or email from my X-2-B and tomorrow I'll br writing about my re-wounded heart.

The business end of things

I just received confirmation from X-2-B (Yes, J, I'm borrowing your term) that all credit cards and the remaining tax liability are paid off! With respect to the business end of our pending divorce, this is an important milestone. Unfortunately it creates within me a set of mixed emotions. Oh how I look forward to the day that I am beyond the whole divorce thing!

My initial response to the idea of divorce was one of heart break and a strong desire to do anything in the name of keeping my marriage together. This came from my view on marriage in and of itself, as well as the fact that I simply loved her and looked forward to a long and happy life together. Today however, my reaction to it is diametrically opposed. Today, my desire is to completely sever all connection to her and quite frankly, to erase her from every aspect of my life. This, by the way, does not suggest I suddenly hate her. I do not. I just want to move my life in a direction that no longer includes her in any way. Meaningful or minor.

Yet, in spite of this, the news of this business-related milestone leaves me both elated as well as just a little bit sad. I'm elated because this clears two significant ties to my X-2-B. I'm sad because it clears significant ties to her. While I have made it clear that I don't want any connection to her at all, losing connection actually hurts... just a bit... okay maybe more... Whatever... I didn't expect to feel this way and I hate it. I hate that in spite of the fact that I now WANT to proceed with the divorce, she still has a hold on my heart. Right now I feel pretty pathetic...

A new "normal"

Life is returning...

My life since separating from my wife has been anything but normal. My days are typically spent in an unsettled fashion where I travel through each with the sense that my "real" life is just around the corner. The life I'm living now is a sort of temporary life akin to the business traveler. Staying in places that aren't mine, managing the day-to-day as though home and regular life is in some distant place waiting for my return.

While I still find that I am quite guarded, or perhaps more accurately stated, cautiously optimistic, I just spent a weekend that would otherwise be considered "normal." Yet given the paradigm under which I exist, this weekend represents what I consider to have been a spectacular time filled with supra-normal stuff. Socially, I joined my new friends (others who are going through separation and divorce) on Friday evening for a fun-filled time of drinks and dancing. On Saturday I, along with a very special lady (Oh hell... who am I kidding? Let's call her what she really is... my girlfriend), spent the day cavorting with the motorcycle crowd, hanging out with my best mate, and riding through her old neighborhood for a little trip into her past, all on a beautiful day. That evening I cooked dinner for the two of us, enjoyed that with a nice bottle of wine. On Sunday it was breakfast, taking care of some mundane household chores and just enjoying each other's company. Absolutely magic!

Now my "normal" is what I described in the opening paragraph. Which means this weekend was a huge cut ABOVE "normal." And I have to admit... I really liked it. This morning, as I write this, I am on somewhat of a high and in truth, I cannot wait for THIS to be my new "normal." Given the heart-health that it clearly promotes, it's certainly a much better way to live.

Something is happening to me

Without wanting to be pompous or self-glorifying I any way, I would like to believe, with my ability to convey most thoughts, impressions or ideas, I'd be able to articulate this. But in this particular case I find it very difficult. Something is changing within me and while I don't know exactly what that is, or if it will even sustain, I feel as though I am on the verge of something grand. I find that my heart is overflowing with tremendous emotion. Oddly, it is simultaneously intensely foreign and bizarrely familiar to me. I want desperately to be surrounded by only goodness and I want only to bring goodness.

I had a conversation with a friend recently who had expressed envy toward another for whom he has very little respect, and how that person has achieved a heightened level of professional success. And with it, very big financial reward. It was as though the absence of professional success and its riches have somehow made my friend "less than."

This got me thinking about how I define the term "success." I believe it has nothing to do with a person's bank account. Money is nothing more than the power to purchase. My measure of success is found in two very simple things; How many, and at what depth I am able to touch the hearts of others. And how many and at what depth others touch mine.

This change... I know it is seeded in the ability to touch the heart. Of that I am certain. In what capacity or level of granularity however, remains to be discovered. Further, I have no idea whether this can be attributed to my marital break-up or if attribution goes elsewhere. All I know is I feel that I am on the brink of a profound transformation. What I do not know is if this is real, if it will sustain, or if I am simply feeling something that will pass in much the same way as the tears that come and go.

A guide... an instructional booklet... someone to take my hand and lead me through the maze... Any of these things would be helpful in my quest to reconcile this revelation that has dominated my mind and my heart for several days now. Yet I suspect there is no guide nor mentor. Instead this is something through which I must travel alone, and my hope is when I emerge from it, I'll have clarity and will then understand what I'm supposed to do with it.

My weekend in review (good and not so good)

It's Monday morning and I'm sitting here sort of reflecting on my weekend. From an emotional perspective I ran from the extreme of delight and exhilaration, to the other extreme with an experience of weighty gloom. I suppose this is going to be the new paradigm under which I exist. One where I sway from one emotional excess to the other with seemingly no real catalyst. The proverbial emotional roller coaster.

On Saturday I woke at 5:00 AM to make ready for a group ride with my riding club. It's not often I write about the motorcycling part of my life here because in most cases it's not relevant. Since I moved from "our" home and into my own place, I did so with a focus on being close to my office. And that meant being far from the riding club's activities. Our "Home Base" if you will, is Mount Baldy and I live in Long Beach (Signal Hill). My ability to ride with my friends had been greatly reduced since my wife and I split. So today it's relevant.

In any case, the ride was a 400 mile day with 15 other bikes including one of my closest friends "M" (remember, no names). The day was filled with riding on the freeways, city streets, and some cool sweepers through the canyons down past the Temecula Valley and into Anza Borego, about 90 miles due east of Escondido. We had lunch in Borego Springs and a small group of us rode back through Highway 79 and more canyon riding. I returned home by 5:00 or 6:00 PM. This was an awesome day filled with fun riding, good company and the camaraderie that I simply needed. Awesome, awesome day.

Sunday was the mixed bag. This year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday and when your birthday competes with a biblical holiday there isn't much one can expect. :-) My lady-friend celebrated the holiday with her kids. And since we are not yet ready for me to meet the kids, that meant no lady friend. While I respect and support her involvement with her kids, I missed her and it would have been nice to see her. Sunday morning was the most difficult where I experienced a strong sense of loneliness. You can read about that here. Sunday afternoon was spent at a friend's where we celebrated the holiday with a nice lunch and we even toasted my birthday and had some chocolate cake. I don't know if they know it, but J, S, and K pretty much rescued me from what would have been a day of heart ache. Thanks you guys! You rock!

The evening finished off with a nice conversation with my lady friend and I drifted off to sleep some time after midnight. Overall, a good weekend interrupted by some crappy heart ache but nonetheless... it was good.

Easter and my birthday

As soon as I learned my birthday would be competing with a biblical holiday, I knew there was little chance of it being my day in any significant way. What I hadn’t anticipated was the resulting experience of intense seclusion.

I woke Easter Sunday to a painfully empty house. As I do most of the time, I had fallen asleep on the couch the night before. When I woke the TV was on to some news station and I had a nasty headache. Which seems to have been around for the last few days. In any event as I do most Sunday mornings, I put on some gospel music and went about my morning ritual of showering, cleaning, coffee, and the like. And while I went about my morning I became aware - as I do whenever trapped in solitude - that I hadn’t spoken a single word. I have no explanation for this. I just know that my silence is some sort of loneliness-meter. The more I note the lack of speaking, the lonelier I feel. Perhaps it’s the other way round… I really couldn’t say.

But this morning it was intense.

In the kitchen I stopped to pour a cup of coffee. And as I did I felt it… Tears welled in my eyes and I sniffled a bit. Something caught the back of my throat. Soon I was standing there, out-and-out sobbing. I was alone and felt it. I hadn’t spoken a single word since waking and I noticed that too. This is the morning of my birthday and I should be in a good mood. Yet there I stood, crying like a child, overwhelmed with the sense of isolation, and deeply grateful that no one was around to see it. At the same time deeply saddened that no one was there to sooth it.

I realize that this was my first birthday on my own. There was no one there to wish me a happy day, no one there to sneak a present onto the dining room table before I come out of my room. No special dinner. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like there is NO ONE who acknowledged it or wished me a hearty “Happy birthday.” The truth is I have received plenty of that throughout the day. But the point here is while in my own home, the quiet and solitude on the morning of my birthday became overwhelming.

Eventually I stopped crying and continued about my business. The loneliness however didn’t really diminish. Instead it stayed in the back of my mind like a dull annoyance. The headache was stronger and in spite of the several Excedrin, it didn’t seem to want to leave. By mid day I was on the road to spend an Easter Sunday afternoon with some friends. And the moment I walked through the front door, everything was fine.

Our anniversary

As I sit here in my office, I happened to glance over to check today's date. And what do you know... today is our wedding anniversary. And I'm saddened. Not saddened at the thought of the "us" thing. Rather, I'm saddened that this day, which was once a day of celebration, a sort of private holiday, is now nothing more than a reminder of a period of my life that didn't end very well. Sad.

Each year is represented by some particular material or another and I, being a traditionalist, would always work very hard to find something made with that material. This being our ninth anniversary, the gift would have been pottery. And I can think of a load of things that would fit the bill quite nicely. She loves gardening, loves decorative pottery, loves artistic ceramics in general. This year would have been easy to find the perfect gift. But alas... there was no gift shopping, no picking out of the right card. This year there would be no looking forward to her creating some culinary delight to share as she did every year, no going away to celebrate with a weekend of romance, no champagne.

Nothing... zip... zilch... zero... nada. Sad.

This is my second failed marriage. And as with my first, I will always remember my anniversary. And just like with the first, this day will forever be one that represents yet another collapse. An end to something that started out good. There's a hole in my heart for which there is no available repair. That hole will be there forever... right next to the first one.

Self discovery

Self discovery is a wonderful thing.

I have always viewed myself in a somewhat limited way. And I have always defended my view of myself without wavering in the least. Yet, in the aftermath of separation, and the resultant reinvention of myself, I have come to learn that my own perception of me is (a) inaccurate and (b) has always been inaccurate.

I have always considered myself to be a fairly superficial man. One without deep or profound thought. I avoid deep philosophical conversation and tend to shy away from having to take long and in-depth looks at myself. At least this is what I thought. I have come to learn however, that I am, and always have been a very deep and passionate person with staunch and inflexible philosophies. I have deep seeded values, things I was taught by all of the important people in my life, throughout my life. I'm an old-school man who believes in age-old traditions. And I hold onto them. I believe in God but abhor organized religion.

I am educated, well-spoken, have what I consider to be a strong moral code, try (though not always successful) to take the high road wherever I can, have never robbed a friend or intentionally caused harm to anyone. I'm a man who places the highest value on my family and will defend them to the death if necessary. And I define "family" to extend beyond blood. Those who become important to me will always be important to me even if I haven't spoken to them in years. I believe if you are never dishonest, you will never have to remember what you said. Yet my outward presentation is completely to the contrary and sometimes, I enjoy that. I typically present myself as one from "the other side of the tracks" yet at times am annoyed when someone makes snap judgments based on my appearance alone. And before you say it... I already know that I am the one who causes that.

And now, I have had yet another profound realization about the man I am and always have been. And I find it somewhat eye-opening. Specifically; I am and will likely always be a very liberal man. I like tattoos and body piercing. I have a slight bent toward the wild side of life, I enjoy a good party and the occasional night of debauchery with the boys. I drink, I smoke, I cuss like a sailor, I don't give a rat's ass if my kids end up with someone black, white, or green. Or find themselves in love with a man, woman, or one-legged Bohemian pigmy. I'd rather put my kids in a public school in a diverse region, rather than a private school where everyone looks the same. I represent myself as a "motorcycle enthusiast" but let's face it... I'm a biker. I get on my soap box about a number of social indices and at times do so quite angrily.

Yet I am exceedingly drawn to those who are humble and conservative in nature. Those who have a strong moral base, are educated, well-spoken, and model their lives by doing the "right thing" even when doing so is also the most difficult thing. If we are to be defined by the company we keep, I prefer to keep the company of decent, morally-correct, intelligent people who put their children and their parents first.

So the summary of this little discovery about myself is, I am by design, one from the "other side of the tracks" yet I prefer to surround myself by those who are from the "right side of the tracks." Which is why my closest friends and the lady with whom I am romantically involved are awesome people who are those that I am very proud to be around. And my kids... well, my kids are simply the best, morally correct, intelligent people a man could ever ask for.

Wow... I kind of went on a bit of a tangent didn't I?

Parenting through divorce

Parenting through divorce

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Uncontested divorce

Uncontested divorce

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Who says it's too soon?

Who says it's too soon?

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The day is coming

I knew eventually I would have to meet face-to-face with my future ex-wife. And I knew that the prospect of doing so would be cause for a certain level of ill-feeling on my part. Well that face-to-face has been scheduled, prompted by her, for next week. And already I'm uneasy. The intelligent part of me knows, since she specifically requested a personal meeting that she is likely to be presenting me with something. Paperwork, a filing decree, some sort of official document that will finally start the process and make a meaningful move toward our eventual divorce. Maybe I'm being sued. She said that it's likely be on a ten or fifteen minute conversation. Which only reinforces my belief that her intent isn't really a conversation but to present me with something official.

Whatever it is, whatever the purpose for her need to have this meeting be face-to-face, I am left wondering. I have about eight million things running around in my head and I'm just a bit dizzy. She said that she wants to discuss, "our relative situations and futures." What the heck does that mean? I can express our relative situations and futures in the space of one sentence; We're getting divorced, life will be rough, we will survive and move on and into a life that is better for each of us. What else is there?

Whatever it is, I am now going to be moving through this week in a state of nervousness that I have grown to really hate. I'm not accustomed to the anticipation of something unpleasant. I remember when this whole dam separation thing started I was a wreck. I wasn't looking forward to being alone, of having to reinvent my life, or having to learn how to be okay with it being just me. Today it's much different. Today my only desire is to get through this divorce so I can finally move forward with my life. In spite of the fact that I am in my own place and living as I please, I still feel as though I'm trapped in a sort of limbo while awaiting the final and official dissolution of my marriage. And because of that, all I want is for it to be over. So perhaps this face-to-face will finally mark the start of that process. I suppose I'll be finding out soon enough.

My first face-to-face since moving out

This weekend I had to drop off some equipment with the soon-to-be-ex. We are both in the technical business and the equipment in question was some stuff that I had borrowed. Since it belonged to her, and since I finished with it, it was time to return it.

Not wanting to drive to her place, and not wanting her to come to mine, we arranged a mutually inconvenient location for the drop off and agreed to meet at 11:00 o'clock Saturday morning. We made that arrangement last week and the entire time leading up to our meeting had be filled with an anxiety whose basis is still very difficult for me to articulate. What I knew was that the prospect of seeing her face-to-face, for the first time since I moved out, was enough to cause my stomach to churn and my entire body to be filled with an overproduction of adrenaline. I was stressed as hell!

So the time came. My plan was to arrive at exactly 11:00, to hand her the equipment, and then to simply turn and walk away. When I got there, I saw that she had already arrived and was sitting in her car. I pulled up, pulled out the equipment walked to the driver's window and noticed something... she changed her hair color. And in spite of the fact that I am not one who leans toward her particular style... it looked good. I gave her the equipment, muttered something about the configuration and before I could turn and walk away (as planned) she started her car and just pulled out.

So there I was... standing there watching her pull out and wondering why, if my plan was to make a quick exit, did it bug me that SHE did? The good news however, was that the angst and stress, the overproduction of adrenaline, all abated instantly. As I watched her drive away, I felt my body return to normal. And once out of sight, it was as though I had never even been in contact with her. So while it bugged me that she made a quick exit (maybe because I wanted to be the one to do so), I was grateful for the very quick face-to-face and proceeded with the rest of my day.

As I sit here typing the only thing that sticks in my mind is simply her new hair color. Interesting...

The value of good people

I have friends and family and ultimately, people who are close to me. Those who are privy to all the good, bad, and ugly that are associated to my life. And they, oft times aid in keeping me up, occasionally HOLDING me up when I'm incapable of doing it myself. These are the people I value.

But - yes there's a "but" - while I love and respect those who would put their own "stuff" aside in the spirit of providing a shoulder and pair of ears to me, I also find that I have grown very tired of leaning on people. Or more accurately stated, I'm tired of HAVING to lean on people. I hate that this stupid separation/divorce thing dominates my thoughts, my heart, my life.

I have intentionally tried my best to back off. To stop crying on a friend's shoulder. To maneuver away from this being the one thing I talk about. My life is filled with all sorts of stuff. I ride a motorcycle and am immersed in the motorcycling culture, I enjoy wood-working (albeit beginner in my skill), I love writing, I have two incredible adult kids who have successes and failures of their own and I am right beside them, I have my work and my hobbies, I am enjoying wonderful experiences with a wonderful lady. Yet I seem to be incapable of sharing all this with those who are important to me in favor of boo-hoo'ing about my marital woes. It's gotten old and it frustrates me that a sensible man such as myself is incapable of steering away from it all.

I've also learned that there is a cost to "backing it off."

My dearest friend, "B", is a person with whom I chat a couple times each week is likely the single person on earth that knows just about everything there is to know about me. I have spent a lot of time leaning on "B" and have grown so tired of it that I have intentionally done my best to steer away from crying on her shoulder. She has expressed her concern that while I seem to be just fine when chatting with her, she learns by reading my blog that I'm not all that fine. She said, "How is it that you hold back from talking to me about these things yet have no problem putting it up on the internet?!" The message here is she should learn about me before the rest of the world does. In this context I agree.

My lady-friend has also experienced a similar event. In my post, Finally worried, I noted that I am worried about a lot of things. And she told me she had no idea I was going through that and expressed her concern that I have not talked about it with her. Again it's a case of sharing with the important people rather than them learning by reading something on the internet. And again, I agree.

So the need for balance is ever present. The important people in my life deserve to receive an elevated level of witness to my life. Yet those same people have lives of their own and things they themselves would like to share. It's important to me that I can share a variety of life experiences with them. Theirs and mine. So the order of the day, at least for the present moment, is balance.