Blessings

Whenever I start to believe my current state of mind and state of heart are going to settle into something... everything changes. I have enjoyed the last week feeling pretty dam great. I even wrote about how I feel guilty at my indifference to my pending divorce. This morning however I woke up in a foul state.

I've been doing very well at managing the mechanics of my life (bland though it may be). I keep my place clean, I feed myself, I shower regularly, I pay attention to my work responsibilities (though I tend to do it from home), my bills are paid on time, yet I still feel as though I will be waking up from a dream soon.

A dynamite lady has captured my heart. She is like a sunrise on a crisp, chilly morning. With her I feel strong, manly, and just a little bit taller. When I have her wrapped up in my arms I'm substantial. She takes care of me, worries about me, laughs with me, and is slowly making me believe that I am truly worth something. Yet I still wake up lonely with a terrible feeling of insecurity.

But in spite of it all. In spite of the sadness, loneliness, insecurity that all come and go with seemingly no consistency whatsoever, I am surrounded by people who are there to lift me up, who make me realize I am worth it, who provide a shoulder or ear whenever I need it, and have never asked for anything in return. These are all the blessings that I enjoy and appreciate.

My kids, my best female friend "B", my best male friend "M", my very special lady "J", my mom (Yes at the tender age of 49 I still need mom). And there are two additional folks who don't realize how much they have helped that deserve to be acknowledged and listed among my "blessings." I met both through the divorce support group to which I belong. "J" and "K". You two have helped me more than you know and I appreciate it.

I know it's hard to identify those people when all I use are a single letter but remember my rule... no names on this blog. At least not yet. But all those noted here know who they are. And I hope to God they realize how much I appreciate them.