The business end of things

I just received confirmation from X-2-B (Yes, J, I'm borrowing your term) that all credit cards and the remaining tax liability are paid off! With respect to the business end of our pending divorce, this is an important milestone. Unfortunately it creates within me a set of mixed emotions. Oh how I look forward to the day that I am beyond the whole divorce thing!

My initial response to the idea of divorce was one of heart break and a strong desire to do anything in the name of keeping my marriage together. This came from my view on marriage in and of itself, as well as the fact that I simply loved her and looked forward to a long and happy life together. Today however, my reaction to it is diametrically opposed. Today, my desire is to completely sever all connection to her and quite frankly, to erase her from every aspect of my life. This, by the way, does not suggest I suddenly hate her. I do not. I just want to move my life in a direction that no longer includes her in any way. Meaningful or minor.

Yet, in spite of this, the news of this business-related milestone leaves me both elated as well as just a little bit sad. I'm elated because this clears two significant ties to my X-2-B. I'm sad because it clears significant ties to her. While I have made it clear that I don't want any connection to her at all, losing connection actually hurts... just a bit... okay maybe more... Whatever... I didn't expect to feel this way and I hate it. I hate that in spite of the fact that I now WANT to proceed with the divorce, she still has a hold on my heart. Right now I feel pretty pathetic...