Difficult Discussions

Last night I had a discussion about my soon to be terminated marriage. And unbeknownst to my conversational partner, I was asked some questions (innocently of course) that sort of caused me to take a harsh and honest look at myself. Now the specific questions or their answers aren't really germane to this post. What is, are the things I did, and in some cases didn’t do early in my relationship with the woman that would become my wife.

Simply stated, there were a number of behaviors that raised red flags. These occurred well before we were ever married and in fact, were brought up in conversation before the wedding by my best friend who simply wanted to stop me from making a mistake. Of course I didn't listen. Not to my best friend and more importantly, not to myself. I dare say that if I had listened to me back then, she and I would have never been married and I would have never lost the time I spent in a marriage that was destined to fail.

So how does all that apply to the present day? A couple ways. First, while dating my wife I was not cautious enough and instead was rather cavalier about certain things... even pretended certain things didn't exist. Today I am the opposite and find that I have become far too cautious. It has me gun-shy. While I am more attuned to the lifestyle of the married man, the idea of ever getting married again has me so absolutely petrified it's beyond comprehension. Granted, it is way premature to contemplate marriage again but it is something I think about and something that in the grand scheme of things, is where I'd like to end up. But right now... the idea of marriage only brings about abject fear.

The other area where this all applies is actually a good thing. Simply put, I am using my head more. Which is new territory for me. Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am driven solely by my heart. Today I am taking a much more pragmatic approach to romance and relationships. This is not to say that my heart is excluded from the equation but rather my head carries equal weight in governing my romantic pursuits. I am keeping my eyes open. I am making sure to listen to all the little alarms that go off in my head and deal with them as they do.

I can't and won't pretend anymore. Else end up right here again and at my age, I can't afford to invest my heart or my time again into something that will eventually fail. So I will say this... IF I ever pop the question... IF I ever put my heart there again... it will only be after a lot of good, hard, eyes-wide-open, pragmatic, and honest understanding of the person I'm with.

I guess you can say I've grown up a little.