I should be celebrating

I mentioned in a recent post that I got served. What this translates to is that my wife did the filing and even though I expected it, it still feels as though she drew first blood. The wound hit directly and deeply into my heart. From a positioning perspective, I am officially the respondent. And that puts me at an emotional disadvantage.

Last night, while battling with myself to actually do it, I sat at my dining room table and completed the paperwork that will serve, in part, as my "response." It was likely the most difficult thing I've had to do thus far. I'm not talking about the mechanical part of filling in all the blanks. That was actually rather easy. The hard part was actually doing it; putting pen to paper and answering the questions that are all designed to formulate in certain terms, what I expect in the dissolve of my marriage. My marriage has been reduced to a set of business-like negotiations. It's sad how something that at one time was a beautiful thing, can be reduced to mere paperwork.

To date, each day that has passed, seems to have been some sort of temporary existence. I've mentioned it before; I feel as though my real life is still waiting for me to return. This is just some sort of visit that I'm on. Yet filling out the paperwork served, as did many other little acts, to solidly define my life. My life as a "not married" man. The process has most definitely started.

What I find very interesting however, are my emotions. I know I'm a terribly expressive man. I find no shame in crying. I wanted this. I expected this. I have cited many example about why this is better for me, how my life will be better. My heart will be better. And I am feeling very real and very strong evidence of that. Yet this has me, once again, heartbroken. Why? I just want to know why I feel so terrible. The very thing I want with complete certainty, also happens to be the thing that breaks my heart.

I should be celebrating...