In a meeting with my therapist last night (yes, how very California of me), it became rather clear that I am not as well-adjusted as I had believed. After chatting and then hearing her observations I am realizing that I am not as balanced as I had thought. Without divulging details, I shared with my therapist, my feelings on the mechanics of the divorce and what my official position happens to be. She asked me why. And with very little consideration I stated the following:
- She put me through thirteen years of what turns out to have been a false set of circumstances.
- Thirteen years were wasted where I could have devoted myself to something real and therefore sustainable.
- I will never get that period of time back. Wasted and resulting in the harsh realization that my life with my wife was seeded in dishonesty
My therapist's response, "So you're pissed!" I denied that and she repeated it. And well... I guess I am. Angry. I feel as though I have been away from anything meaningful in life and now that I'm back, I find that missing thirteen years serves as a detriment to me in the grand scheme of things. It's very hard to articulate but absent those years, I am also absent the growth and love that I COULD have enjoyed. I feel as though I am owed something for that.
So yes... I'm angry. I'm downright pissed off! I never deserved this and contrary to what some would think of me, I am a good and decent person. You just don't mess with the lives of good and decent people. You just don't!
Being pissed harms only you. You have to find a way to release that and then move beyond it. Don't give your soon-to-be ex that kind of power over you. Just remember you are only as big as the people who get you down. Then again... I'm so pissed at my husband right now that I can hardly see straight.
ReplyDeleteWhy not think the exact opposite? (If you can). Sounds like she was being dishonest, but YOU were living a decent, honest, life, enjoying your marriage. That means it wasn't wasted at all. I still think the 20 years I was married were my happiest and most fulfilled.
ReplyDeleteP.S. It sounds like you're not just hurt, you're letting go of the love you had, which means you're moving on, which is GREAT if you can do it.