Easter and my birthday

As soon as I learned my birthday would be competing with a biblical holiday, I knew there was little chance of it being my day in any significant way. What I hadn’t anticipated was the resulting experience of intense seclusion.

I woke Easter Sunday to a painfully empty house. As I do most of the time, I had fallen asleep on the couch the night before. When I woke the TV was on to some news station and I had a nasty headache. Which seems to have been around for the last few days. In any event as I do most Sunday mornings, I put on some gospel music and went about my morning ritual of showering, cleaning, coffee, and the like. And while I went about my morning I became aware - as I do whenever trapped in solitude - that I hadn’t spoken a single word. I have no explanation for this. I just know that my silence is some sort of loneliness-meter. The more I note the lack of speaking, the lonelier I feel. Perhaps it’s the other way round… I really couldn’t say.

But this morning it was intense.

In the kitchen I stopped to pour a cup of coffee. And as I did I felt it… Tears welled in my eyes and I sniffled a bit. Something caught the back of my throat. Soon I was standing there, out-and-out sobbing. I was alone and felt it. I hadn’t spoken a single word since waking and I noticed that too. This is the morning of my birthday and I should be in a good mood. Yet there I stood, crying like a child, overwhelmed with the sense of isolation, and deeply grateful that no one was around to see it. At the same time deeply saddened that no one was there to sooth it.

I realize that this was my first birthday on my own. There was no one there to wish me a happy day, no one there to sneak a present onto the dining room table before I come out of my room. No special dinner. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like there is NO ONE who acknowledged it or wished me a hearty “Happy birthday.” The truth is I have received plenty of that throughout the day. But the point here is while in my own home, the quiet and solitude on the morning of my birthday became overwhelming.

Eventually I stopped crying and continued about my business. The loneliness however didn’t really diminish. Instead it stayed in the back of my mind like a dull annoyance. The headache was stronger and in spite of the several Excedrin, it didn’t seem to want to leave. By mid day I was on the road to spend an Easter Sunday afternoon with some friends. And the moment I walked through the front door, everything was fine.