Finally worried

For almost a full week, I have enjoyed a good run of really good days. So good that I have not felt the need to sit and write. Which is my personal catharsis. I have spent time with cool people, taken part in one of my favorite pastimes, started organizing my garage/workshop, jumped into other unrelated writing projects. It's a very liberating feeling not to be bogged down by depression, or loneliness, or boredom.

However, I've noticed something about myself that has changed specifically due to the situation in which I find my life. I used to be a person who never experienced the emotion of "worry." Certainly, I have been concerned about things, or scared over something, and the like. But I have never had anything keep me up at night, or dominate my mind. This has had others accuse me of simply not caring. I never worried about anything because I have always had the sense that no matter how hard things get, there will be an end to them.

Now however, I worry. A lot. I worry about screwing up my finances, or about feeding myself, or forgetting to take care of something important... a host of things. And currently, given that I have lived through a handful of really good and worry-free days I am now waiting for the other shoe to fall. I'm level-headed enough to realize this is likely just another "symptom" of the emotional journey on which my marital end is taking me. But I still have that nagging at me and it's not a very nice feeling. I'm wondering what awaits.

Yesterday, after leaving my office I noticed that as I drew closer to home, my anxiousness also grew. By the time I pulled up to the house my stomach was churning and I actually didn't want to go inside. Which is a very weird thing considering that I live alone. It's not like I'm going to find some big hairy thing waiting for me. Checking the mail was something I had to force myself to do. While I don't understand where that's coming from, it's a very real feeling and something that I simply couldn't shake. I eventually left the house.

So what's the take-away message? That even when I'm feeling really good, I'm also feeling like crap. And THAT sucks...