For several years I have owned and managed our website. I own the domain and am the administrator for the web server. The site was started as, and has served as a vehicle for us to share with our friends and family, all the things worth sharing. I think of it somewhat on par with those annoying annual letters people send recounting all the events of the previous year. “We remodeled our kitchen”, “our cat has asthma”, “Susie finished first in her class”, “the car blew up… right in the driveway!” In this case however it was on-going and real-time. And among other things it was filled with hundreds of photos. Photos of our camping trip to Yosemite. Pictures of my nephew’s wedding. Of my son’s wedding, Christmases. Photos of her participating in her sport and photos of me with my motorcycling buddies. Recently she asked me if I would burn photos onto CD for her.
Tonight I started going through them to sort which she would and which she would not want. And of course that meant looking at them. It wasn’t enough to see the headings associated to each grouping, I had to actually look at the photos… each and every one of them. What a blasted mistake that was! I haven’t cried in a while. I know from the perspective of a calendar it hasn’t been that long but it felt as though the last time was ages ago. Photos. She wore a pretty black dress and ruby jewelry. I wore a pin-striped suit, black tie, rose on my lapel. She was beautiful. Yes… I cried… A lot…
I miss my life. I miss the head aches, the arguments about money, her nagging me about things that needed to get done, me nagging her about something I wanted. I miss it all. Sushi and sake with my wife. Christmases at my in-laws, sitting with her at the end of my day, tasting a new dish she was trying out. Begging her to ride with me on my motorcycle… her giving in. Everything. I don’t want to miss her! I don’t want to cry about what once was. I’m angry with myself for feeling like this. For letting it get to me. I want to move forward… to be just me. How is it that I can enjoy what I’m doing yet miss the life I had so terribly much? Both are mutually exclusive. One cannot exist while the other does. Tonight I feel as though I have slipped backward in time and the hurt and upset are starting all over again. I don’t want to acquiesce to the urge to call her… just to see how she’s doing.
Damn photos…
I have cd's to burn for my wife as well.
ReplyDeleteBut all of the printed photos of her, us,
or her with any one else are off the walls,
the family photo albums are packed with her
things, the photos that end up in drawers
are gone too. I don't want the reminders
of our better times. The person that I married
and planned to spend the rest of my life
with ceased to exist. Version 2.0 is toxic
and my mission is to exorcise her presence
from my home.
Excuse her presense. I like how you put that. It's certainly a good way to view it.
ReplyDeleteDismissed!
Thanks.
Karl
Karl,
ReplyDeleteExorcised, not excused. Who has the holy water? ;)
Ah... I missed that... or I should say, misread that. Either way... it works!
ReplyDeleteWe can't live in the past. It's not possible. We can't live in the future. It's not possible. We can do the best we can right now to make the best of the moment and possibly then a better future.
ReplyDelete