Marriage ideals

On my wedding day, the pastor who performed our ceremony addressed those who came to witness our exchange of vows. He told them they each were invited to witness our joining not simply to pad a guest list. But to act as protectors of the vows we were about to exchange. He tasked each and every one of them as guardians of the marriage, and asked them to pledge their commitment to it.

In spite of the fact that I am facing my now second marital disintegration, I have always viewed a marriage as something to be protected at all costs with very little exception. Let me put this in more explicit terms; A marriage is what a man should fall on his own sword to protect. Too often today, people view and treat a marriage as some sort of disposable thing that can be easily cast away should things get tough. And I think that notion... well... sucks! In the split between myself and both of my wives, not once did someone advise me to do what it takes to fix and protect my marriage. This annoys me.

My son is married now. When he and his wife experienced what I consider to be a test to their marriage I sat with him. I told him that because he is a married man, with children, my parental obligation was not to him but to his family. And that my goal was to help him to protect his marriage. I'm glad I did because it taught him the value in a marriage. Once more for clarity; VALUE IN A MARRIAGE.

I've expressed this view to others and I typically get this as an argument, "Sure, but what if you didn't choose right?" Okay... good point. What if I didn't choose right? What if in cases like arranged marriages did it end up to be with the wrong person? What about cases like abuse, adultery, violent crime, or addiction? As I mentioned, there are very few exceptions. And for each of us, that list of exceptions is different. But the question of choosing correctly hits home for me.

In both of my marriages, I thought I had indeed, chosen correctly. And I got married for what I considered to be the right reasons. In both cases, I loved this person intently, and respected her honestly. I chose to have her at my side in a committed, intimate, exclusive way. To act as my advocate, confidant, partner, lover, and witness to my life. And I believed that my chosen mate married me for the same reasons. And the truth is, no matter how "sure" we are, one can never be absolutely certain of having chosen correctly. So now what? Clearly, in order for this ideal to survive it must be shared by both partners. It isn't enough to have only one of us with this belief. Perhaps that's what was meant by "choosing right."

Clearly, my personal view notwithstanding, I am ending marriage number two. So I guess the real question is whether I should change my idealistic view or not. Or maybe just accept the fact that I represent a minority. Or simply chalk it up to not having chosen the correct mate. Twice... Or maybe... just maybe it simply means that I am not destined to finish my days as a married man. While sad, I tend to wonder if this is the real issue...