A new "old" heartbreak

Last night was not a good night. Two significant things happened that this morning, leave me despondent and somewhat dethatched from everything around me. I apologize in advance if this presents itself in what is likely to be a somewhat disjointed manner. These past few days I haven't gotten a lot of sleep. This is due only to my willingly foregoing sleep in favor of my participation in some of the things I simply enjoy. Additionally, last night I had very little to eat and a tad too much wine (it was a really nice Pinot and couldn't stop at only one glass). So needless to say, I was fuzzy at best.

First, I was chatting with a lady-friend whom I’ve been seeing, and for whom I’ve developed some deep feelings. Very deep. I want to see her this weekend and owing simply to the dynamics of life, I may not be able to. Rather than taking on an understanding posture, as I ought to, I became frustrated and allowed that to take over. I expressed my frustration. Perhaps too much. Which of course imposed undue pressure on her and added to an already full plate of the life-demands with which she is burdened. I heard it in her voice. I could tell I had crossed the line that separates good times together and being just plain too much. Not cool, not cool at all. I wasn't happy with myself for that. I don't want to be the over-pressuring man. But last night I was selfish and I weakened just enough to let it take over. Albeit for only a brief conversation. Not cool...

After that conversation I think I poured my third glass (though I can't say that with complete certainty), and through a series of online, text-based messages, found myself on the phone with my first wife. Without divulging private details, I'll say only that she too is facing some rather challenging times. It was I who invited her to call me and my intention was only to provide open ears and a soft shoulder. These days I don't have much more than that to offer. Instead the conversation turned into something else that threw me for a really big loop.

I learned that she has been reading this blog. I asked her why... and she shared that she finds it helpful in her own situation. That she, through reading it and through the contact that we have had over the years following our divorce, has come to view me as a completely different man. One that she views as a mentoring spirit who touches the heart of those with whom I come to know. She shared that when we were first together, she considered herself a scared little girl who hid behind me. But that through my encouragement, she learned to step out from behind me, to take on the challenges of life with strength. She told me this is my purpose in this world. To mentor others who live with a heavy heart (her words). I was humbled, and happy that we were on the phone because as she spoke I was crying (God I hate being a man who cries so easily).

I've said it before; I believe as human beings we are capable of meaningful and lasting love relationships of the romantic variety, with more than one person. That we can devote our hearts to a succession of people in rewarding and wonderful ways. But that we will never forget that first true love. The one who for the first time in our lives captured our hearts and taught us what it was truly like to be loved. She was mine... my first honest and real love and something that to this day, I miss terribly. Not in the sense of pining over her. More in the sense that I will never have a "first love" again. And then she said it... she told me that she knew it then and knows it today, that I loved her deeply, passionately and with a depth that she has never experienced before or since. That no one could possibly love another with the intensity that I did her. Immediately it all came back to me. Like a wave I was hit with every painful moment that occurred when we split up all those years ago. And I once again experienced a deep and profound heartbreak. Like I was losing such a love relationship right then and there. My God it was insanely painful!

I did my best to conceal the impact those few words had, though I doubt I was successful. In any case I ended the call quickly after that. Sat and finished my wine. Went to sleep. And woke up with what can only be described as a terribly heavy heart.

Now you may be wondering what all of this has to with my current separation from my second wife. How this plays into the pain and heart ache associated to that. The answer is really quite simple... NONE of this would be happening if she and I hadn't split up...