A single email...

I’ve been doing well. Certainly there have been ups and downs. Yet each extreme has been tolerable and what I consider to have been appropriate amounts of both happiness and sadness. Though after a long day I was greeted by a single email from… her. The subject line was blank. When I saw that it was from my wife I was momentarily rooted in my seat, unable to move or take any action of any kind. I was instantaneously filled with both nervous anticipation and stomach-churning angst.

When I was able to click on that waiting message and began reading, I was disappointed. There was no inquiry about my welfare, no questions about how I’ve been eating, or sleeping, or getting along. Disenchanted. Instead it was several paragraphs of what I can only describe as “taking care of business”. Very dry, emotionless, direct and to the point. Something I’d expect to have received from a project manager doling out my task list for the week. Sigh. I wished she’d show at least some interest about my wellbeing. I do wonder, after all about hers. Though admittedly, I don’t ask either.

After reading it, I had to then reply. And in doing so I found myself sharing everything about how I have been, what I’ve been up to, even the few challenges I’d been dealt. And I immediately erased them. Then I rewrote them in a slightly watered-down fashion. And erased that too. I realized that the sharing of my day, leaning on her shoulder with my difficult challenges, the conveyance of excitement over having seen a tremendously wonderful performance, all these things I have often been moved to share with her, can no longer be. She is no longer the person with whom I share the events of my day… of my life. And I was once again flooded with emotion that left me deflated, sad, downcast. But I didn’t cry so I suppose that’s progress.

This morning, while I am able to enjoy what I have… the new beginnings… the anticipation of cool plans for the immediate future, my heart is heavy. I’m moving a bit slower, not so motivated to start my day, sad. And all it took was that one email. Dam…