I didn’t want to write today

Coming off of a most excellent Saturday, I woke up this morning feeling wonderful, with a long list of things to do. I looked forward to keeping my mind and body occupied, since idle time seems to wreak havoc on my psyche. As I trekked through my day I managed to remain upbeat and didn’t focus once on my impending divorce. I had a little visit with my mom, took care of some household chores, did some work on, and then went for a ride on my motorcycle, stopped to watch the sun set. It was a good day.

Unfortunately, having done everything I set out to do, I found myself thrust into the dreaded “idle time,” and sat in my living room half-heartedly watching television. But there was nothing that kept my attention in any meaningful way. I turned off the TV and put on some music in hopes of losing myself in some of my favorite Latin beats. And eventually shut that off as well. Thus leaving me to sit in the quiet, staring at the walls, and kicking myself for allowing it all to get to me. The silence was oppressive, the seclusion was intense, and the recognition of today’s failure was a great source of sadness

I long for the day that I can get through it without having to “keep myself busy.” I want desperately to be able to simply sit and do nothing and it be a moment of simple rest and relaxation. While I am in the company of others, regardless of who that may be, I am often viewed, and remarked upon, as having adjusted really well to the singular life and seemingly am just fine and dandy. Which makes sense because when in the company of others… I am.

When I am confronted with these moments, I try very hard not to reach out to others. Often unsuccessfully, but I do put forth every effort. I am working very hard on learning how to allow the rest and relaxations come into focus with all the garbage left behind... To simply hang out with me. I’m certain this will come in time… I just wish that time was now.

The agonizing nature of what I experience during these periods is quite overpowering, and such is the case now. And it seems lately that the only solace I find when I’m alone is to sit and write. Which is why my goal of having nothing about which to write today has failed... again. Tomorrow will be another attempt. Since I have no plans for anything to do after I leave my office. If you don’t see a new post from me, please consider that to be a small personal victory…