Lessons learned

Emotional ups and downs are par for the course for those of us going through separation and divorce. I knew that would be the case. What I hadn't counted on though was vacillating between the good and bad feelings directed at my spouse... Or how destructive some of those feelings can be... to me.

For the most part I do my best to represent my future "ex" as a good person at her core. In recent past however, through discussion with others, in writing, or buried deep in thought, I have had what I consider to be mean and arrogant thoughts about my spouse. Bitterness... it's coming from me. It took a lot for me to admit to that. And it's true when people say the only person bitterness harms is the one who happens to be feeling it.

Being a member of a few different divorce-related support groups I find there is a common theme of "taking ownership." This has been presented to most of us in the context of taking responsibility for our own contributions to the end of our marriage. But I find it also applies to the feelings we experience and aim at others. And this of course gives rise to even more emotions. I feel guilty, I'm mad at myself. I honestly want to be a good person. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel good about the person that I see. Yet in the throes of these mean and at times, spiteful thoughts I find I am losing self-respect. And that, by far and away is the top-of-the-list most important thing to me.

The lesson here, for me anyway, is a hard one. I need to avoid the mean thoughts and concentrate on only goodness. And my belief is with practice I'll be able to do that, and the result will be that I can look myself in the eye with respect and admiration. It's just something I've been thinking about lately.