Lonely

While working through the material exercises surrounding my separation, I'm aware and appreciative of the fact that I've been blessed with a lot of goodness. I'm making new friends, I'm meeting my neighbors, my work is doing okay, I'm writing... a lot, I'm enjoying lots of opportunities to exercise my favorite hobby, and I'm seeing a wonderful lady. Yes... things are good. Yet in spite of all the goodness that has found its way to me, I also find myself in a daily battle with being just plain lonely. And that loneliness at times seems more than any human being should ever have to endure.

This lonesomeness seems to have two very specific points in each day where it is most prevalent. The least of the two is at the end of my day, when I get home from work. In this case, walking into an empty house is an event that I have been avoiding, opting instead to stop at a local coffee shop on my way home from the office. I will sit there, have my espresso, use my iPhone to check email, facebook, blog feedback etc. Occasionally I'll phone a friend and simply chit-chat for a bit. Unfortunately there always comes a time that I have to head home and walk into the silence. I have come to dread the exact moment that I walk in the door. The good news is once inside and after a few minutes have passed, I tend to be okay.

The most difficult part of every day in terms of feeling the isolation, is that precise moment when I first wake up. Opening my eyes brings with it a harsh realization that there is no one next to me. I used to be a morning-person. When the alarm would go off, I'd be up, out of bed, fully alert, and ready to start my day. Now, I hit the snooze and burry my head into my pillow. But the most telling is the general feeling I have when getting ready for my day. I walk around the house, making coffee, listening to the news, showering etc and do so with the general feeling that this isn't really my home. It's someone else's place and I am merely a house-guest. I have found the most effective way to avoid such morning experiences is to sleep on the couch. For whatever reason waking up on the couch doesn't bring the loneliness with it. I simply get up and start my day.

Sleeping on the couch is okay... I'm rested and never have to make the bed. But the truth is, I'd like to be able to sleep in my bed, wake up okay and have that be the rule and not the occasional "good night." Last night, after enjoying an extraordinarily wonderful day, I decided to give it a try. No good... woke up lonely and have been in a sort of funk for most of this morning. Blah...