Reaching out - Part two

My first wife - whom I continue to declare was the absolute love of my life - and I split up in 1996. We are, and will remain connected because we happened to have produced two wonderful kids. And we also have two wonderful grandchildren. However beyond simple connection, she and I share a rather distinctive bond and have what I consider to be a very special but unconventional relationship that extends beyond “friendship.”

This morning I sequestered myself in my home office to catch up on some mundane but very neglected tasks for work. And as I often do, I put on some music. This is nothing controversial, however while concentrating deeply on a not-so-glamorous spreadsheet a song started playing that drew me completely away from my work and to a place way back to the time when she and I were still married. Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion. This was a song that in one of our more tender moments, she dedicated to me because she always said I provided the inspiration for her to reach for more than she would have otherwise.

I was instantaneously and deeply troubled. But to add to the sorrow, I was also disorientated. How is it that I miss my first wife? Thirteen years after our divorce!! Hurt… deep sadness… a profoundly troubled heart. In truth, and rather pathetically, I wonder if I have ever really stopped missing her. There I sat. With eyes closed I pictured my past life. I saw it all clearly. My beautiful wife, two kids, a dog. Back then I thought I had the perfect marriage. It’s funny how life takes us full-circle to a point we believed to have been long gone and buried.

I did what anyone in my situation would have done… I sent her an email. Okay, maybe no one normal would have done so but there I was… emailing her. And in my email I reminded her of the song… of her dedication of it to me… and then asked why the hell I miss her. She responded;

“I remember. I love that song. And I can't answer why but I sure am glad it’s a healthy missing me from a relationship that was normal. Maybe that's why neither of us see anything wrong with it.”

I went from a burdened heart to a smile. As my daughter would say, a proper ear-to-ear grin. But this highlights something new and terribly wrong with me. I recently emailed my current wife… the one from whom I’m splitting now. And I just emailed my first wife. In as little as a few days I reached out to them both. What?! I wish I had a rational explanation for this. Sadly I do not. But I can say with absolute certainty, I don't like this... not one bit.

Which means this is the newest of what promises to be a zillion new issues through which my therapist will be taking me. Sigh… tonight I feel rather pathetic…