Building a better man

I've been sitting back thinking about my travels in the short time since declaring we'd separate. I say short time because by the calendar it has only been a couple or three months. Yet it feels like an entire lifetime has gone by.

When this whole thing first hit, I was devastated. Even though it was I who gave voice to splitting up, I did so because I felt I had no other option. My heart's desire was to do what could be done to save my failing marriage. But, such an effort requires full participation from both, and my wife, for her own reasons, was not able to fully vest herself. In the end, I made the decision. Nevertheless, her indifference to it, her inaction toward fighting for her marriage... for me... left me painfully heartbroken. For a week or two following the "proclamation" I noticed her face softened just a little. She seemed relieved. Which only added to my heartbreak. Don't get me wrong; I didn't want her to hurt. I just wanted some indication that my leaving represented a loss to her. Instead I was devalued. My role as husband seemingly meant nothing. More heartbreak.

When I finally moved out something unexpected happened. I have never lived alone until now. After my first wife and I split up, I immediately got a roommate to help defray the cost of keeping the house. So here I am at the tender age of 48 and for the first time in my life... I am actually living alone. Initially I dreaded it. I didn't want it and in truth, I was just a bit scared of it. But... as I said something unexpected happened. My first night of officially living in "my" place left me feeling refreshed. Okay... more like relieved. I am actually happy to be living alone. It brings with it a sense of freedom that I had never experienced before. I still experience a certain apathy and I still get lonely. At times that loneliness is profoundly oppressive.

My loneliness doesn't come from missing my wife. It comes from missing my life. I quite enjoyed coming home and knowing that someone was there. It didn't matter that there was no interaction... as long as she was there I was okay. I enjoyed that I had a role in something larger than myself. That I belonged to a partnership. So yes... I still get lonely and likely will for some time. But... I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that it makes no sense allowing the loneliness to drive what I do for my life. I refuse to allow myself to simply take on a "warm body" in an attempt to mitigate the isolation. Rather I am learning how to be okay simply hanging out with me. Yes I am dating... yes I have met someone who has captured my heart. But... While I am putting effort into nurturing a relationship, I am also putting in the work in nurturing a relationship with me. This to me is probably the largest indication of my personal growth. I am not only WILLING to learn how to enjoy the aloneness... I am EMBRACING the challenge. If you knew me a year ago you'd understand the depth of this.

So today, I am a man who has failed marriage number two under my belt. And learning how to be fulfilled as a singular human being, and over all, enjoying this new life that I have entered. There are challenges that lay ahead, some unknown. But as a very wise woman once said to me, I don't get to see the last card yet. I'll see it when I reach it and not a moment before. But what I do know is in spite of the at times daunting challenges, this is exactly where I need to be. And I suspect that there will be ups and downs along the way but I will end up a better human being... a better man because of this.