Feelings of insecurity

I'm almost 49 years old. My hairline has been in full retreat for a number of years now and the gray has all but taken over. The wrinkles around my eyes do a very good job at revealing my age. My back hurts at the best of times and I'm not as physically capable as I was in my younger days. Today I don't feel as "marketable" as I did 10, 15, 20 years ago.

Insecurity about our attractiveness, in my humble opinion, isn't limited to one gender or another. I will submit however, that most men don't talk about it much. Consider that I'm not really willing to share with my biker-buddies the concerns I have about my developing moobs (man-boobs). So while men tend to be quieter about it, we all feel it equally. And I am no exception. If a woman tells me she thinks me attractive, I look at myself in the mirror and find myself trying desperately to see what she sees.

But our insecurities extend beyond simple body image. There are a great many things that carry their own measure and are each potential cause for our insecurities. The house I rented is small and pieced together like a college dorm room. My cooking capabilities are pretty much at the "I won't go hungry" level. I have coupons next to my checkbook in my little home office. Which is simply one of the bedrooms that happens to have a desk instead of a bed. Income… let’s face it… money always has been and will always be, the great equalizer. And I’ll just say that there is a reason my place is decorated like a college dorm room. Suddenly everything in my home and everything about me seems to be "less than."

And certainly, it's entirely possible that I am simply being overly self-critical. Maybe it isn't really as bad as I'm making it out to be. Whether these things are really as bad... or I simply perceive them to be as bad... they are indeed bad in my head.

Now... I'm not fishing for compliments here. I am merely expressing the fact that as a humble middle-aged man, surrounded by a sea of the rich "beautiful people" here in Southern California, I find myself at the disadvantaged, fuzzy end of the stick. I'm not so much interested in making myself "marketable" as though I intend to live the life of some Romeo. Nor am I really interested in an opulent lifestyle of luxury cars, huge homes, globe-trotting, and lavish parties. I just want to feel good about my surroundings and about myself. And it is equally important to me that the people who are important to those who are important to me, feel good about the man that I am… did I say that right? And I’ll be completely honest here (without looking for compliments), when it comes to my physical appearance and my economic status in this world… I’m f…king scared…