Apathy

I find it interesting and am becoming increasingly concerned with what seems to be a developing apathy on my part. Simply stated, I seem to have stopped participating in the rest of my life. Well to an extent anyway. I attribute this to what can only be described as a depression with respect to my current goings on regarding the end of my marriage. Now I am not qualified to actually diagnose depression in any clinical sense. But there is certainly something happening that I can't quite explain. I wonder about this one though. I wonder if I am the only one who is doing this.

My work: I'm a mid-level manager for a software company (all very non-glamorous technical stuff). I find that I must kick myself really hard to stay on task. And that exertion of effort is becoming increasingly more difficult. The job is getting done, nothing has slipped through the cracks, but I find that I must spend more hours in the office to make sure of it than ever before.

My physical fitness: I am educated in exercise physiology, I know the science involved in staying fit. I used to be a hard-core gym-rat with aspirations of competitive body building. While the notion of competition is gone, I'd like to actually get that spark back so I can get back into the gym and harden that which has become soft. Yet it all seems like such a mind-numbing task at the moment.

My Diet: One word... crap! When I actually remember to eat I have been opting for the quick and easy. Pizza that gets popped into the oven, McDonalds, quick PBJ sandwiches. But again, this is assuming I actually remember to eat. I have caught myself on a number of occasions looking at the clock, finding that it's 8:00 PM and realize I hadn't eaten anything all day. I've lost weight and am now looking at spending a lot of money just to have suits re-tailored and all my jeans are just too darned large. Some may think this a good problem to have, yet I'm concerned about it because I've lost too much weight, too fast.

Entertainment: If I happen to be with people I'm fine. But when alone I find myself simply sitting and doing nothing. Even watching TV has become an effort. Add to this my weirdness when it comes to being bored to tears. When that hits, rather than getting up and doing something... anything... I actually avoid doing anything. Sort of like being so bored that nothing seems appealing.

My writing and my hobbies: I write a motorcycle related blog. I am involved with several other writing projects. I love wood-working, digital art. All of which have suffered such, that I fear those who depend on me on joint projects, will lose faith in me.

Over all I have either stopped entirely or have severely diminished my involvement in the several elements of my life that I myself consider to be important. And I have no other explanation for this than to blame it on some level of depression. Yet, they say recognizing the problem is half-way toward solving it. If this is the case, why then am I not doing anything about it? And I ask again, am I the only one doing this? Does it indicate that I am weak? Have I become some pathetic loser who has somehow tied his entire life to his love-life? If so it gives excellent explanation for the most common piece of advice I have received from many. And that is to simply hang out with me. That I must learn how to be fulfilled with just me regardless of others who may or may not have been invited into my life.

Why is this sort of thing so challenging in so many different ways? I mean, it's just a marriage with which I was terribly unhappy. I simply don't understand this one.