Turns out I'm angry

In a meeting with my therapist last night (yes, how very California of me), it became rather clear that I am not as well-adjusted as I had believed. After chatting and then hearing her observations I am realizing that I am not as balanced as I had thought. Without divulging details, I shared with my therapist, my feelings on the mechanics of the divorce and what my official position happens to be. She asked me why. And with very little consideration I stated the following:

• She put me through thirteen years of what turns out to have been a false set of circumstances.
• Thirteen years were wasted where I could have devoted myself to something real and therefore sustainable.
• I will never get that period of time back. Wasted and resulting in the harsh realization that my life with my wife was seeded in dishonesty

My therapist's response, "So you're pissed!" I denied that and she repeated it. And well... I guess I am. Angry. I feel as though I have been away from anything meaningful in life and now that I'm back, I find that missing thirteen years serves as a detriment to me in the grand scheme of things. It's very hard to articulate but absent those years, I am also absent the growth and love that I COULD have enjoyed. I feel as though I am owed something for that.

So yes... I'm angry. I'm downright pissed off! I never deserved this and contrary to what some would think of me, I am a good and decent person. You just don't mess with the lives of good and decent people. You just don't!

My girlfriend and my 1st wife

I haven't seen my son in a year. He lives in England with his wife and kids. He flew into Vegas last week, staying with his mom (my 1st wife) and they drove down to Southern California this past weekend. She stayed with friends, and my son stayed with me. It was an awesome experience being able to share in some very cool father-son time. On Sunday afternoon, I introduced him to my girlfriend.

While seeing my son and my lady sitting, chatting, laughing, warmed me beyond imagination, that's not really the purpose for this post. Instead, I'm sharing the experience of having my girlfriend, meet my first wife. It happened Sunday evening when we dropped him off with his mom. After enjoying a some nice Peruvian food at Mario's, we took my son back to where his mom was staying. Owing to past experiences with past women, I assumed my girlfriend would choose to wait in the car. Nope! She went into the apartment with me. Dig it!

Special note: In this blog, spread out over several posts are two very important messages that are consistently conveyed (as they apply here); First, I am enjoying a growing and special friendship with my first wife. Secondly, my heart has been captured by one very special lady.

Now... picture this:

Introductions were made. We stayed to visit for a bit... So here I am standing up on a small patio while at the table, seated side-by-side, are my girlfriend and my ex-wife. Let me say this one more time for added punctuation, my first wife and my girlfriend were at the table, seated together... Chatting! Laughing! I'll be honest, I don't remember what they were actually talking about. I was too preoccupied with the scene itself. I think there may have been some mention of lots of embarrassing stories about me. But I don't know for sure. I found myself a bit nervous, though can't really identify why. I just know that the adrenaline started to work on me and after only a few more minutes, I announced it was time to leave. They hugged!!! I swear I saw it! My ex and my girlfriend.... I'm amazed.... just amazed...

As I mentioned; due to the experiences I have had in the past, I felt it would be an uncomfortable situation and wrongfully believed my girlfriend would opt to maintain distance. When she made it clear she had no intention of doing so, I was very moved. It warmed me to know she was happily willing to be included. It also made me nervous as hell. :-)

I just want it to be over

I have, at last, been fully engaged in the mechanical process of divorce. While it may be fortunate that we have a fairly cut and dry situation - No kids, very little over which to argue, etc. - it leaves me numb. All of it leaves me wishing the world would simply swallow me up so I don't have to deal with it any longer. Or at least swallow HER up (I know... that was a mean-spirited thing to say. And for that I apologize. But I just want it to go away!).

In the wonderful world of divorce, a response to anything must follow a rigid set of processes that include specific documents and disclosures followed by a sequence of actions that must be taken in a time sensitive fashion. This includes serving and filings in the appropriate manner with the appropriate courts. Mechanically that's pretty simple. Yet my having to actually go through the motions is what has me close to losing it. It all requires my concentration, time, and dollars!

One hassle after another has plagued me and thus prevents me from getting anything done with any sense of ease. I have to take time off work, fight Los Angeles traffic, battle state mandated furlough days and courthouse closures, make appearances in a variety of places for a variety of reasons. Each of which bring with it, it's own set of painful headaches. Add to this the need to remain focused on other things, and I have a recipe for absolute agony!

Agony... It's bad enough that she is asking for the ridiculously unreasonable, and that I have to deal with the emotional impact of this crap on an ongoing basis. I also have to figure out how to balance it all against obligations to work, family, self. I feel weak. As though one more thing will cause me to simply crumble. I just want it all to be over.

Why get married?

This was a question put to me a couple nights ago. My initial response, though somewhat tongue-in-cheek was to point out that there is no material benefit for anyone in being married. Everything that one gains from a marriage can be had without it. Companionship, economic benefits, someone to speak for you in the event you cannot, kids. Of course that was more in jest than anything else.

But let it be known right now, that the mere mention of the word "Married" causes me to freeze up and become tongue-tied, unable to speak. I end up with the proverbial blank stare and can feel the fight-or-flight response kicking in. Which of course means I am not anywhere near ready to entertain such a notion. However, I am a "married" sort of man. In truth most of my mourning is over the loss of a marriage... not so much the loss of my wife. I'm not trying to be mean here but it's the lifestyle that I miss the most. Which is why the question of "Why get married?" is such an important one.

By way of explanation of what it means to me...

Being a person in a marriage makes me a part of something much larger than myself. It provides a solid sense of family for me. A sense of "home." I lay down and wake up next that special person... an exclusive person. A person with whom to share all of my successes and failures. My wife would be for me, and I for her, a staunch advocate, a protector, the biggest cheer leader, the harshest critic, an enthusiastic lover, an admired partner, the safest person with whom to be completely exposed and vulnerable, a witness to life. Married means an elevated sense of relationship. A relationship that is in and of itself completely different than any other relationship I enjoy.

These are just the parts that I am able to articulate. The truth is, for me, being married goes much deeper than mortal words can express. It affects me at the level of the human spirit. Having experienced that In my life... having grown in mind, body, spirit, heart, because of it, I know without reservation, that is where I want to be. Am I capable of that today? Likely not. But it is the ultimate goal.

I should be celebrating

I mentioned in a recent post that I got served. What this translates to is that my wife did the filing and even though I expected it, it still feels as though she drew first blood. The wound hit directly and deeply into my heart. From a positioning perspective, I am officially the respondent. And that puts me at an emotional disadvantage.

Last night, while battling with myself to actually do it, I sat at my dining room table and completed the paperwork that will serve, in part, as my "response." It was likely the most difficult thing I've had to do thus far. I'm not talking about the mechanical part of filling in all the blanks. That was actually rather easy. The hard part was actually doing it; putting pen to paper and answering the questions that are all designed to formulate in certain terms, what I expect in the dissolve of my marriage. My marriage has been reduced to a set of business-like negotiations. It's sad how something that at one time was a beautiful thing, can be reduced to mere paperwork.

To date, each day that has passed, seems to have been some sort of temporary existence. I've mentioned it before; I feel as though my real life is still waiting for me to return. This is just some sort of visit that I'm on. Yet filling out the paperwork served, as did many other little acts, to solidly define my life. My life as a "not married" man. The process has most definitely started.

What I find very interesting however, are my emotions. I know I'm a terribly expressive man. I find no shame in crying. I wanted this. I expected this. I have cited many example about why this is better for me, how my life will be better. My heart will be better. And I am feeling very real and very strong evidence of that. Yet this has me, once again, heartbroken. Why? I just want to know why I feel so terrible. The very thing I want with complete certainty, also happens to be the thing that breaks my heart.

I should be celebrating...

It's the little things

I was finally able to make my iPod dock work with my home stereo system. It’s been something for which I have been terribly anxious because now that it’s done, I can listen to all my favorite music, which has been held captive in a digital library. The favorites of which are in one of two iPods.

I’m now sitting here in my living room, listening to some of my favorite Latin music, Gloria Estefan. The song is called Farolito. It brings with it a wonderful, almost tribal rhythm, heavily laden with deep percussion. It’s the sort of music that one feels instead of hears. I can sense the beat of my heart while the music plays.

Way back, before I started dating my wife, I had grown to really enjoy Latin music and the way it captures the soul. I love Latin music because it causes me to move. But when my wife and I started dating, and then growing together in a meaningful relationship, my indulgence in the music diminished and almost disappeared entirely. I’m not blaming her for that. I blame myself. When we were together I opted to listen to the music we both understood, and I learned about other types of music from her as well. But Latin music… that was all but gone.

Today, I’m listening to it again. I play it in my car. I play it through the stereo system on my motorcycle. Now I can play it at home. Not constantly mind you. I do enjoy all forms of music. But, today my ability to play the Latin music whenever I like has returned. And for that I am grateful. It’s the latest piece of evidence that illustrates how the little things mean so very much to me and how they have been so very absent in my married life.

The little things, when aggregated, become the very things that drive us. Subtleties cause us either to appreciate or to loathe our lives. In my view it’s not about economic success or stature in the community or our relationship status. Instead it’s about warming the maple syrup, or noticing the new tablecloth, or picking just the right bubble bath, or allowing the music to move you. Those are the things, for me anyway, that make me love the direction my life is taking.

Don’t mind me… I’m just rambling.

Great wine pairings (or not)

So... this post has absolutely nothing to do with my separation or pending divorce. I’ve grown a bit tired of always focusing on my sadness, stress, worry, anger or general crappy feeling. So much so that this evening, after having enjoyed my dinner, I am going to instead focus on one of my newly discovered interests. Wine! Well, more specifically this post is about wine pairings. You know... the things that go WITH wine.

I’ve learned from some of the women in my life – my wonderful girlfriend, my daughter (she’s old enough), my mom, my best friend – that most women think it’s pretty damn sexy when a guy knows a thing or two about wine and what goes well with what. So, if you‘re a guy and want to impress the ladies – and trust me when I say this to you guys – stop reading now. None of this will help you. Really, I’m serious. Try this stuff with your date and you are certain NOT to get any.

I’ve developed quite a fondness for red wine. I love a good Merlot, Pinot, and I’m quite taken by the deeper reds like a nice Cabernet or Malbec. Ah! There is nothing quite so grand as sipping on a nice smooth Malbec, surrounded by soft candlelight and some nice jazz. A particular favorite of mine is Fabre Montmayour Grand Reserva from Argentina (About $20.00 a bottle at Wine Country in Long Beach). Being on a quest for understanding what does and what does not go well with such a wonderful full-bodied wine I decided to experiment a little. I should note here that I am so NOT qualified to discuss any of this.

First up; PB&J! Don’t try it... You won’t like it... I promise... But in all fairness it could be that when I make my version of the classic PB&J, it includes gobs of butter. I’m just sayin!

Okay next; Hotdogs! Nope, strike two. But again in all fairness I need to include my preparation style for the almighty dog. Here’s what you do; Grab a couple. I like turkey dogs myself but you can grab any that you like. Slice those puppies lengthwise about half way through and zap em in the ole microwave for about a minute. Be sure to pull them out BEFORE they explode (trust me on that one). Smear them in spicy mustard, wrap them with mild cheddar inside a flower tortilla and zap them again to melt the cheese. Yum! But not good with the Malbec. Oh man! REALLY NOT GOOD!

One more try; Apple-cinnamon Nutragrain bars. Now let it be known that my girlfriend doesn’t like Nutragrain bars. Though I don’t know why! They are fruity little treasures and very nutritious. I mean it’s right there in the name! NUTRA-grain. Right? And there is no preparation either. You simply rip the packaging and viola, munchies! That taste like absolute crap with the wine. But if you’re anything like me, by the time you get to this third test, you will have consumed so much wine that you really won’t care.

I am now sitting here trying desperately to wash the peanut butter, butter, jelly, hotdog with spicy mustard and cheese, and apple-cinnamon off my tongue so I can go back to enjoying my wine with a good, after-dinner smoke. Now THAT’s a pairing!

Like Father Like Son

The only thing worse than my going through a divorce that has proven to be a prolonged emotional experience, is that it would seem my son is entering into it as well. Like me, my son feels everything deeply and as a dad, it's very difficult to see him going through this. Equally hard is the fact that he and his wife and kids live in a different country so It's not like I can simply pop over to be with him.

Ironically, his mom (my first wife) is also going through her own marital issues. Mother, father, and son, each going through the same thing at the same time. I actually find this to be very interesting and a notable thing indeed. We are privy to each other's deepest fears and emotions in this and at the same time, helpful to one another in a variety of ways.

If there is a silver lining to this, it would be that the three of us have come together with primary focus on my son, and working through the experience and inevitable issues together... United... Almost like a real family. Don't get me wrong... while my first wife and I have what I think to be a very special friendship, I have no intent, desire, or notion of any sort of reconciliation. Frankly one of the reasons she and I share such a good relationship now, is because we AREN'T married anymore. Not to mention the fact that my heart belongs to someone else and quite frankly, I want to keep it that way.

The down-side is this has happened at a very low point for me. I am dealing with my issues, all stemmed from this divorce. Depression, apathy, indecision, fear, work-life, home-life, money... blah blah blah. Lately I feel like simply throwing in the towel on everything and letting whatever happens... happen. This thing with my son and my need to remain strong and guiding for him has helped however, to renew my vigor, my push to stay strong, my focus. So I guess that's another good thing that has come from all this.

I just hope I have the strength to deal with everything at the same time. Life's tests...

Still frazzled

If you've been following along over the past few days you will see that the conditions under which I exist have changed dramatically. For the most part I've been traveling through my day-to-day life fairly well. Sure, there are always challenges and mistakes to be made but regardless, from an overall perspective things have been okay. Albeit constantly overshadowed by the sense that it's not really my life and rather one that I am only visiting. In the past few days however, I have gone from this happy-go-lucky life to a paradigm of absolute chaos. In a sense I feel like I am losing it... losing control. From the perspective of my heart, I can't seem to find the way to dig out. And it's really getting to me.
Posted this week:

• I let Depression Take Over
• Expectation vs. Actual
• An Interesting Piece of Business
• It's All Just Too Much
• Served

I have noticed however that I'm not breaking down and crying as much I did early on. Or with as much gusto. I still feel like the tears are just about to burst free, yet they seem to stay for the most part, at the ready but not yet visible. Nevertheless, I am at the moment akin to a lost child who desperately needs to be taken by the hand and lead through this world of indecision. I'm not used to feeling lost, weak, ambivalent.

While leaning on my wonderful lady, she reminded me of one of the mantras that I will typically cite when I'm the guy on which someone else leans; "Life will never give us a challenge that is beyond our ability to handle it." We are never faced with anything that is beyond our ken. What I find funny is I am damn good at giving advice and counsel to others, okay maybe not "damn" good but you know what I mean. Why is it that I am incapable of doing that for myself? Why do I need to be reminded by someone else of the very thing I tell others? As though it's a new piece of wisdom I never knew existed?

In any event, the overall feeling of complete chaos is NOT the way I want to live. What I need is solidity, consistency, predictability, and to have an outlook of life that is conducive to my actually enjoying it and more importantly, looking forward to it.

Served

I was served last night. This comes after a very recent, and increasingly angry email exchange between myself and X2B. Reading through paperwork like this is never easy and I swear it's written with the absolute intent to confuse and bewilder. I freaked out... just a bit... for only a few minutes.... okay maybe a little more than a few... but you know what I mean.

I called my lady-friend (Does "girlfriend" sound better?). She talked me down. Got me breathing again. I poured some wine. She reminded me that documents like this are prepared in such a way as to cause a certain level of panic. Well, it worked! She told me to breathe (apparently I had stopped again). I won't get into details here but...Bottom line, X2B is asking for the unreasonable and unachievable. Feeling better. More wine. Still breathing.

This morning I'm still a little upset but in all honesty, after reading through the paperwork a couple more times and sleeping on it, I'm okay. Not panicked. Still upset at the finality of it all, but that's normal. I sometimes find it odd how two people can go from "I love you" to "I want to hurt you." I don't know when or where that happened. Ultimately, this whole divorce thing is finally and officially underway. And that means there is now a foreseeable end to it all. Good. After everything is said and done I will be able to walk away, completely disconnected from her and able to burry this period of my life. I think I'll call the last thirteen years, "That time I was away."

TGIF!

It's all just too much

I have been doing just fine up to the past few days. Over the last two days I've been emailing back and forth with my X2B... having to decline requests from her, dealing with the fallout from that, anticipating additional issues that will mean taking this to a full-blown pain in my back-side. All the while dealing with the repercussions of having allowed the depression get to me and intruding itself into my work.

At the present moment I am about two inches away from just losing it entirely! I'm pissed, bitter, and on the edge of out-and-out crying. Work problems, money issues, issues with the X2B going on "attack the heart mode" and now I have a feeling it's time to hire an attorney. But wait... owing to a variety of reasons, I find myself without resources. Am I missing anything? Oh yeah... my son is having grown-up issues with which I should be better equipped to help, and I can't seem to figure out how to do something as simple as manage my own f---king life, my planned trip to see my son and his family is seriously in jeopardy (again for a variety of reasons) and one of my best friends is in the hospital and I can't even go to see him.

Don't mind me... right now I am just ranting... and stomping my feet... and being a big pathetic baby! Woe is me! My life sucks! How can this possibly get any worse? Wah wah wah! Does anyone have a giant hole into which I can crawl and escape the rest of the world? Please... anyone?

An interesting bit of business

My wife contacted me to ask for my authorization in the use of my personal information for the purposes of her obtaining a loan modification on the house. She copied me on an email exchange between her and the loan agent and I include it here for your perusal (note that names and lending organization have been removed in the spirit of protecting privacy), displayed with the most recent at top:

Karl,
please read through the thread and let me know if you're willing. thanks.

=====================================

Mrs.X,

I have been advised due to this being and FHA government program that getting around the spouse information is not an option. I inquired about how it was that you did not provide this information before and was advised if you did a conventional loan this is not a requirement. This is not a Chase guideline it is government. We have to underwrite off their guidelines with no exceptions. I will hold onto your loan until you advise how you want to proceed.

Thank You,
Loan Agent
=====================================
Subject: Re: REFINANCE

Hi Loan Agent -

I apologize for being such a pain about this and I thank you for your patience. I am attaching a PDF that includes the county recorded interspousal transfer deed on my property. The first 3 pages after the cover are the deed. If it is possible to resubmit with this deed to underwriting to see if they will accept it as proof my husband signed over the property to me, I would like to try it first before any other route involving his credit being pulled.

Thank you in advance.
Regards,
Mrs. X
=====================================
On Mon, May 3, 2010 at 12:34 PM,

Mrs. X,

We will not be considering his income in this loan…infact he will not be on the loan at all. We just require that we review his liabilities due to your state being community property. Per the law we cannot get around this . If he would like to call me to discuss that is also fine. I have attached an authorization form in the event he will comply
Thanks
Loan Agent

=====================================

From: Mrs. X
Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2010 8:30 PM
To: Loan agent
Subject: Re: REFINANCE
Dear Loan agent -
I am attempting to get a copy of the interspousal transfer deed signed by my husband when we refi'd. If that will be satisfactory to continue this process, please let me know. If you need a new one to be signed by him for the loan modification to continue, then if you can email me what he needs to sign, I will get him to sign it and get it back to you asap.

He will not consent to having his credit pulled, nor do I want his income/debt considered when I am the sole person on title of the house currently and will be continuing payments with only my income.

Thank you for your assistance.
Regards,
Mrs. X
=====================================
Hi Mrs. X

Unfortunately we do have to have his information. I can assure that he will not be on the loan ,but since your divorce not final and California is a community property state , we cannot proceed to Underwrite without that information.

Loan Agent

=====================================
From: Mrs. X
Sent: Thursday, April 29, 2010 11:55 AM
To: Loan Agent
Subject: Re: REFINANCE
Dear Loan Agent -

My husband and I are going through a divorce. I doubt he will comply. Does that mean, this is over?
Thanks,
Mrs. X

=====================================
Hi Mrs. X,

Per my voicemail message , California is a community property state and since you are married we will need your spouse information such as full name, birthday and social security number. I have also attached an authorization form for him to sign so that we can pull credit for him . He will not be on the loan but any debt that he has will be conisdered when calculating debt to income ratios.

Please let me know if you have any questions and if you could forward the requested information I will get your file back to Underwriting asap.
Thank You in advance
Loan Agent

After checking with professionals who know of such things, I in the end, declined to allow the use of my personal information. Which of course has made my X2B very angry. And me very stressed. But I have to say this.. and in truth it pains me. I would like to believe my X2B to be above anything underhanded or unscrupulous. But after discussing this with both professionals and laypeople as well, it's starting to smell really funny. I am not accusing her because I still believe her to be a "high-road" person. Yet it's very hard to ignore the gut feeling I get from this.

I have a feeling that the real ugliness is about to begin.

Expectation vs. Actual

My wife and I officially separated on December 7, 2009. I moved out of the house late January 2010. Since then there has been very little interaction between she and I. Lately I've been wondering why there has been no movement toward actually filing for divorce and starting that process. Potentially to my own detriment, I have been waiting for her to do something. To take control, as is her nature, and start the process. I have also decided that if I did not see anything by the end of this month, I would go ahead and file just to get things moving.

Today, I had the honor of an email exchange with her, and in that exchange I said it's time to get things going. Now, one would expect with my current mindset, given that I have gone from heart-break to anxiously awaiting the start of the divorce process, that I'd be relieved when it actually starts.

Her response to my statement was simple;

Karl,
I filed 6 wks ago. If you haven't been served yet, it is imminent.

As I said, I have been anxious to have the process start. My rationale; the sooner it starts, the sooner it will be done. At this stage of things, I am actually quite motivated to simply be divorced so I can finally get my life out of limbo. So I can finally and openly enjoy all the goodness from the woman who has captured my heart. So I can do so without feeling as though I need to be careful of who sees me, or what my X2B might think. I can live and breathe as a man who is tied to no one in any material sense.

So can someone tell me why, after receiving what is supposed to be welcomed news that I am on the verge of tears? In spite of the fact that I want this now... in spite of the fact that I have been expecting it.. I am terribly sad. This actually hurts... deeply...

I let depression take over

Well… it’s happened. One of the things I feared the most… saw it coming yet was unable to stop it. I’d like to say it is entirely due to the separation but alas I cannot. At most, my separation and the resulting head-trip it’s put me through are only in a small part responsible.

Giving in to the depression that has resulted first from a difficult marriage and then from my separation, I fell down on the job and that has resulted in some problematic and embarrassing issues that I now have to correct. This isn’t something that suddenly happened. It’s been building over the past year or so. As I said, I saw it coming and have only myself to blame.

As I said, I’d like very much to fault my separation for this. That would be easy. But the truth is, I should have been tougher than this. I’m a grown man… I’m a professional… this isn’t supposed to happen to me. I should have been able to manage it better. Now… Not only do I have something that needs fixing at work, I also have the resulting embarrassment to overcome as well. And don’t even get me started on the massive bruising my ego has taken. Damn it!