The business of divorce

It would seem that the newest phase in this ridiculous process called "the end of my marriage" is upon me and even at the beginning stages I am already nervous. In my post, Money Matters  I made the comment that I am just fine with going through the negotiations. Well the honest truth is I'm not really. This is already proving to be an extreme emotional exercise.

Given the tone of our most recent exchange (email) I have the impression that she is being counseled. This is evidenced by her careful use of language in her queries. Now I say again, one can only respect the fact that her efforts are to protect herself and walk away from this unscathed (or as close to that as possible). I'm of the same mind and so should anyone going through this. However, I have never been very adept at being a cut-throat jerk. Though it seems I have to be exactly that else I will walk away from this with my ass missing. And... well... I have grown rather fond of my ass and I'd kind of like to keep it.

I won't go into details of these negotiations. That part isn't important to this post. What strikes me though is that she and I at one point were in love, united, and committed to stepping through life side-by-side as a loyal partnership whose primary cause was to protect each other. Today we are on opposite sides of the arena and while I don't want to cause her harm, it appears I will need to in my effort to protect myself from harm.

How did this happen? I don't remember crossing the threshold that separates companion from foe. I think one of the most difficult things a human being must do is knowingly cause damage to a person he loves. Again, something in which I lack skill. This is where being the "sensitive guy" that most recognize me as, works against me. I'm not ashamed at all to point out the fact that I am a crier. I cry at sad movies, I cried at my wedding (both of them), I cried when my kids and grandkids were borne, I cried when my daughter left for her European adventure. Get the point? I am certain that at a time where strength and great resolve is required, I will falter, cry, show weakness that I fear will be exploited to her gain. And I can't abide that. My stomach is churning with an over-production of adrenaline and all I really want to do is have this over and done.

Wish me luck, send me good energies, ask the universe to have my back, and pray that I walk away from this with minimal pain and bruising.