Keeping a journal

I've mentioned that one of the primary reasons for my having started this blog is the cathartic value. That value has manifested itself in a number of ways. I find as I write and thereby relive the topic of the day, I can feel the pain and anguish spill out of me. There have been times that while typing, I'd be driven to tears and would stop long enough to collect myself. These tears were the physical part of the release. It's as if committing it to the pages of the blog, our journal, or whatever, lifted it out of me and stored it somewhere else. Somewhere outside of me. And in so doing I was freed from that small bit of yuk.

There have also been times that it inspired others to reach out to me, to ask me questions, to commiserate, to let me know that by reading something of mine, they were moved to tears but more importantly, that they got the sense they weren't alone. This in turn actually does my heart a lot of good. To know that I am able to touch another, no matter how largely or small, is very humbling and I am filled with an enormous gratitude.

In recent days I have gone back and read what I've posted. With each read, I am either moved to tears once again, or inspired. I look at one particular feeling I experienced on one particular day and think about what I'm feeling right now. Is it the same? Have I moved away or beyond it? Have I grown? Depending on what I happen to be reading, my response to it varies. In some cases I am simply reminded that I need to remain focused on my personal healing. In others I see strong evidence that I am not as "healed" as I had thought. Yet there are others where I believe I'm doing pretty dam well. And there are pieces that give strong indication of the mistakes I make while trying to get better.

It's hard for me to admit that I need to "heal." The term conjures visions of something bleeding and gross. I don't like that my heart is roped into that description. I realize that I have a very long way to go before I can honestly and completely say that I'm okay. I'd like to believe that I am moving forward, even with baby-steps. I suspect the day that I am actually and honestly "okay" in its truest sense, will be the day that I stop writing this blog. I don't know that this is exactly what will happen... I don't know that it won't. I just know that writing has helped me in this journey and will do so until I've reached the final destination.

With this in mind, I encourage everyone to journal their experiences in this time of great pain. I started this blog on a suggestion that the journaling would be helpful... I can say with absolute conviction... it has. And why should I be the only one who enjoys such a wonderful benefit?