What her name does to me

There was a time, in recent past that if I saw an incoming email from her I'd actually become excited and drop everything I was doing to click on it. It was a source of great joy and executing that little action was always one of the more pleasing events of my day. However now, when I see her name pop up on my incoming email list I am filled with angst. The adrenaline starts coursing, my stomach becomes knotted and slightly queasy, I falter as I reach for the mouse.

Such was the case this morning. I stopped at my favorite coffee shop on my way to work. Since the line was rather long I took that opportunity to check email on my iPhone. And in amongst the list of incoming messages I saw her name. It used to be that her messages would be the ones I viewed first, without fail. This time however I avoided it and instead looked at all the others. Including the ones known to be spam. When at last the only one left was hers it was my turn at the register. Whew!

I didn't look at her email until I actually got into my office. The bummer is that the drive in was wrecked because all I could think about was that I had her email waiting for me. Angst, nervous anticipation (not the good kind), a feeling of dread, avoidance. How is it that her very name has such power over me? When I finally opened it and read her message I was both relieved and upset. Her tone was dry, the subject matter was limited to taking care of business. There was neither anger nor sadness nor inquiry as to my state of being. Just business. As I said, this was both a relief and a bit of a sting.

I reluctantly replied. Addressing only the business about which she wrote. But my closing was "I hope you're doing okay." Why? Well... because I hope she's doing okay. In spite of the heart ache and the difficulties and the acceptance of my time to move on, I still care for her and likely will continue for some indefinite period of time. Outwardly I pretend to be indifferent to her and what she may be up to. The truth however is that I am incapable of indifference. No matter what the conditions surrounding our split, no matter the hurt that has come from it or its finality, she and I shared a relationship that is set apart from any other relationship. History. At some level a sustained connection.

This is going to be very weird for me to say... I hope she and I can be friends (I'll save this issue for another post).