Was this blog a bad idea?

I started this blog because I have a passion for writing and I believed it would serve to be a sort of emotionally cleansing exercise for me. To that end it has proven to be an even greater catharsis than I had initially imagined. Additionally, based on the number of responses I have received, all by direct email, others are benefiting in meaningful ways from what I have written. This only increases the personal sense of goodness that I get from writing this blog.

And with as much value as I have personally experienced, I have come to realize it may not have been a good idea after all. In truth I'm now considering its stoppage. Let me explain... When I started this blog, I made a list of rules for myself. All seeded in the awareness that something like this could cause others embarrassment if I didn't choose my words well. And while I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of managing that, in my two most recent posts I blew all that away and instead caused a lot of embarrassment, resentment, anger. Something about which I am very sorry. But as they say, you cannot un-ring the bell.

Ultimately, if the very nature of this sort of blog is such that I am rendered incapable of protecting the privacy and feelings of others, it isn't worth it. I seek to do no harm. So with this in mind, I think I may take a little time away to consider it all. At issue is the balance between what I (and others) get from this, and the recently proven potential for hurt. These both weigh heavily in my heart and both deserve equal consideration.

With all this said, I am openly inviting feedback from those who have been following me. And by feedback I mean tell me, honestly, your thoughts, impressions, and ideas. Even if you want to thrash me for my insensitivity. I can't make an informed decision without honest and complete information.

Kindly,
Karl

Can't think of a title

I really don’t know how to title this particular post. And after reading it I’m sure you’ll understand why. We all know that separation and divorce brings to the surface a plethora of emotions and with them, a hell of a lot more confusion about those emotions. Today I am sitting in my place. And while I do miss being a married man, I am comforted by the knowledge that this is indeed the best thing for me. Don’t get me wrong… I love my wife tremendously. And at her core I not only maintain that she is a good person… I’d defend it if it were to be challenged. Yet in spite of this, in spite of the fact that I both love and respect her, I know in my heart that separating from her is the best thing for me. I know that with respect to my own personal happiness and growth, and my ability to be myself completely without restriction, I need this.

Further, these past few days after moving out of our home, I have slept very well. Which in and of itself is huge! Or so I’m told. I’m waking up alone but in an up-beat mood. At the end of my day I get home to an empty house, but am not at all disheartened by it. I know this is still all very new and it’s entirely possible that this “good” feeling can give way to more emotional torture. So I’m accounting for that possibility. Nevertheless, I am surprisingly okay with it all.

And therein lies part-one my problem. I feel as though I’m too okay with this. I feel like I should be experiencing more grief and sadness from it all. After all I spent 13 years with the woman I love and to have it end, no matter the circumstances, there ought to be more upset over it. But the truth is, there isn’t. And I am burdened with a remarkable amount of guilt at the realization that I am suddenly not hurting. Don’t get me wrong, I am not throwing parties here. There is sadness. A hell of a lot of sadness. Just not at the loss of my wife. Please note, that was not a statement seeded in bitterness. I’m not angry, nor am I lashing out. I am simply trying to present myself as honestly as my capabilities allow.

In any event, this all serves to… well… spin my head around quite a bit. Where I was deeply saddened I am now just terribly confused. Where I was heartbroken, I am now overwhelmed with shock and dismay at my sudden change in the way I see it. Now, I’m told this is normal and that, like everything else that I have and will experience, this too shall pass. Truthfully I really hope it doesn’t pass. Well, I can do without the confusion but the good feelings I am experiencing now… those can stay.

Part two of my current state of confusion has to do with a rather awesome woman I met. And the inner conflict I have between my love for my wife and the fact that I am incredibly drawn to this new lady. But… this is a complex issue on its own and therefore, I’ll be writing about it in a separate post at another time. I will simply say this… it’s very complicated and has served to overwhelm my mind with a whole mish-mosh of new stuff with which I must contend. Stay tuned for the next installment of the drama that is my life.

Sex and intimacy

This is a touchy subject and likely to be cause for some controversy. Yet, it is something that is traveling through my brain at the present moment so it seems appropriate that I write about it now. From my perspective, the primary motivation for ending my marriage is owed to the fact that for the last several years, mine has been a sexless marriage (There! I finally admitted to it). Now I know what you're thinking; Didn't Karl mention that he had his vasectomy reversed in order to make babies? How could one do this in the absence of sex? And while that is a discussion all its own, it isn't the impetus for this particular post. So we'll leave that alone for the time being.

In recent time I have established a rather close relationship with a woman to whom I am deeply attracted. Though the idea of romance is one to which I am looking forward, today I am most certainly not ready for it. So I am happy to live within the boundaries of a "special friendship" for now. In any event, in recent discussions with this particular lady the subject of sex and loneliness came up. And being the idiot male that I am, I wrongfully assumed she was about to make a suggestion that we "get together."

Also being a typical male, AND coming out of a sexless marriage, one would have thought that the prospect of "getting some" would have been cause to have me doing back-flips down the aisle! That the prospect of sex, particularly with a woman with whom I feel a strong connection, should have been a wonderful thing. Yet my initial reaction to it was one of angst and dare I say it... fear. Don't get me wrong, I am not scared of this particular lady, nor am I scared of sex. And I am most certainly not scared of sex WITH her. Yet I became rather nervous to say the least. And in attempting to reconcile these feelings of angst and nervousness I came to the conclusion that it isn't really sexlessness that I'm leaving. It’s the lack of intimacy.

So if there's a distinction between sex and intimacy, what exactly does that mean? While I won't pretend to know all the answers, I can say that intimacy to me, can be defined as the expression and experiencing of a closeness that makes just about anything (outside of sex) not just safe, but welcome. Cuddling on the couch while watching TV, laying down with my arms wrapped around her, a passionate hug, an electrifying kiss, calling her "Baby" or "Sweetie", sharing details about our lives that wouldn't normally be shared with just anyone, an anxiousness to share both failures and successes. Over simplified yes, but I think you get the idea. I also believe that a strong, intimate foundation will allow sex to emerge. Note here that I said "allow" and "emerge." This is to say that sex isn't something that one should MAKE happen... it's something that one "allows" to happen. And the decision to allow it comes from a paradigm of intimacy (Okay... this paragraph took several re-writes before I got it right... whew!).

By the end of my discussion with my lady-friend, I gained clarity on what she was and more importantly, WAS NOT saying. And I learned a bit more about myself and what it is that I am really missing. And for the record... the experiencing of intimacy isn't causing me any level of stress or anxiety. Rather it's an awesome and wonderfully uplifting adventure. I highly recommend it...

Today I made a huge decision

Today I set in motion a very important change for myself. In order to convey exactly what this means though, I need first to go back almost 22 years. Back then, while still married to my first wife and after my daughter was a year old I had a vasectomy. I take a great deal of pride in having planned both of our kids. Equally, I am proud at having been responsible enough to "turn it off" when I felt that we'd not be wanting to have any more children.

Now fast-forward to about 3 years ago. My new wife (who is 12 years younger than I) and I decided that we'd have children. And with that decision came the decision to have my 20-odd year old vasectomy reversed. So after the many consultations, requisite blood tests (apparently California law says I needed to pass several tests for STDs and other infectious diseases), and several thousand dollars, I had the surgery in May of 2008. And what do you know... it worked! Of course, owing to other larger issues we never actually made a baby. Which in retrospect is good. In any event, here I am today, at the age of 48, splitting up with my wife. Needless to say I feel as though I dodged a very big bullet. The last thing I'd ever want is to fall back into a life of shared custody, child-support, fights about everything under the sun, and to remain permanently connected to another "ex." So I am breathing a big "whew" right now.

Which leads me to my currently formed decision. You guessed it... I'm going to have a vasectomy... again. And I made the initial phone calls to set the process in motion just this afternoon. Unfortunately, even though I explained that I had done it before, I still have to go through their silly little classes and consultations to be certain I really want to "go through with it."

So there you have it... to me this is as big a decision as having planned my two kids in the first place. At my age (not that I'm crying about being old), having children is a part of my life that has passed. Instead, at this stage in my life it's more appropriate and more to my liking, to be the granddad that I am for my son's children and my daughter's eventual kids. This is where I ought to be.

Add to this the fact that my wife really wants kids. And as such if she had any idea of a reconciliation, my decision to "turn it off" will most certainly be a deal-breaker. So I have effectively sealed my eventual divorce. Again... huge! This decision was not arrived at easily. I struggled with it because I know what it means for my marriage. I am indeed sealing my fate. Which is counter to my expressed wishes. But, the truth is, I'm done having children. And if my wife wants to remain at my side, or if I eventually meet someone else who wishes to share my life, it must be done with the absolute acceptance that having children is simply not an option.

Needless to say I have mixed emotions about this. No kids, sealing the goodbye to my wife, becoming the "next generation" in my life. I'm happy, sad, anxious, scared, and even just a little angry. Though in all fairness I can't honestly say with whom I'm angry. Or even if my anger is to be directed to any specific person at all. Whatever the case, this day is a very big milestone day as I enter a new life.

Feeling good this morning

While I am aware enough to know this is one of my “peak” moments, and that I am likely to go up and down, I am still relishing in the feeling right now. One of the things that has always been a solace for me, a sort of emotional refuge where the rest of the world simply vanishes, is when I get on my motorcycle and get the wind in my face. This morning was one of those “Zen” riding moments that left me feeling pretty dam good.

I woke up knowing that I have a boat load of things to do to get my place organized. I still have more of my things in boxes than not, furniture needs to be situated, the place needs to be cleaned, my office is more a junk room right now. But rather than dive into my list of chores, I instead decided to get on my motorcycle and just ride. The way I see it is I have no deadlines, no time pressures to do one thing or another. And given that I’ve spent the last several weeks in an emotional whirlwind, I decided I owe myself a little “fun” time. So I geared up and got on my bike.

I didn’t have any particular destination in mind, which is always the best way to ride. Because on the bike, it’s more about the journey and not the destination. The first place I ended up was a Starbucks for a quick coffee. This place happens to be about 5 minutes from the house. Which is good because life must be filled with good coffee (I think there’s actually a law). After that I found myself riding south along the Pacific Coast Highway. And I have to say, there is no better feeling than having the scent of the ocean hit you while moving at 60 MPH with the sun and wind in my face. Yes! For a brief moment I achieved a little happiness, bliss. I think I actually smiled! I stopped at the beach in Long Beach just to stand there and take it in. The beach is another “Zen” place for me. I can’t really articulate it but the beach has always been a great comfort to me as well. I just stood there and watched the waves come in and out, saw others jogging along the surf, walking, even young lovers hand-in-hand enjoying the view. A guy with his dog.

As I said, I know this is simply one of my “up” moments. And I fully expect that this feeling won’t sustain itself. So for the time being I will simply roll around in it and exploit it for all I can. My life is filled with sadness that is infrequently interrupted by brief moments of happiness. And this is one of them…. I think I’ll go and ride some more now… And I encourage those of you who are feeling blue to do the same. It may not be getting on a motorcycle for you, but find “your thing” and do it. Even if you have to force yourself into it. Trust me… it feels good.

All moved in

Well… it’s done. After a long day I’m all moved in to my new place. I’m sitting here in my living room, sipping on a nice Merlot, listening to some Grant Geisman acoustic guitar, and typing. This will be my first official day living here. Though I did spend the night here a few days ago (you can read about that here). Clearly this marks the beginning of what all my friends are calling a new chapter to my life. Though I really must be honest, it doesn’t feel like a new beginning. Rather it feels like the end of something. This…. This is the consolation.

After a day of moving I loaded the final bits into my car while my wife simply sat on the couch and waited for me to finish. When I did I announced that I was done and ready to leave. She just sat there. I asked her for a hug and then said “see ya.” I don’t know when I did this, but I made the decision that I would not let her see me cry any more. And I managed to hold it together really well. Though that hug served as a difficult test of my resolve. But I was strong and unmoved. At least until I got into my car and drove away. And it hit me like a freight train! I had to actually pull off the road and there I sat, sobbing (again) like a twelve year old girl. Incidentally, I am growing really tired of crying over this all the time. I don’t have the energy for it anymore.

So here I am, sipping on a Merlot and banging away at the computer. And I am trying desperately to see the good in this. To see this as a new beginning, a new chapter, the start of an adventure. And whatever other cliché you can give it. Maybe tomorrow I’ll see it. Right now all I can think about is whether I’ll be able to sleep.

It's really happening...

Today I'm feeling anxious. Not the good kind. Tomorrow is the day I complete my move into my new place and more importantly, marks the first official day that I will be living there and not in "our" home. And right now it doesn't seem to be real. I have a ton to do in order to execute the move; finish packing, organize what will and will not be taken, sort everything in the garage, pick up the truck. And every bit of it seems unreal. As though all this is being done by someone else. Certainly not me. But it’s really happening isn’t it?

Part of me hopes my wife will stop me at the last minute to tell me what a mistake this is... that she will fight for our marriage after all. That she wants me to stay. And part of me hopes to God that she won't. And if she does, part of me wants to accept it, while another part of me wants to say, "too late." I'm not supposed to be so uncertain. I should be much more committed to this. In truth however I am not, and right now... it just sucks.

I still don't really understand how we went from loving each other to this. To planning and executing my exit. To dividing the furniture, dividing the money, bills, changing addresses, negotiating which towels or blankets I can take and which she simply wants to keep. To needing her help with some of this. To my asking that she not be around while I load up the truck. I've been through tough times in my life.... none compares.

And then there is the belief that greater things await. That owing completely to my departure I will finally move my life such that I'll find relaxation, comfort, hope, happiness, fulfillment.

Holy crap! This is really happening!

Pragmatism

Yesterday the HR department in the company for whom I work sent out an email. It's that time of year where we are all asked to update everything from life insurance distributions to emergency contact information. While I am all for pragmatism, I honestly had not considered these things. Wonderful... something new over which to stress.

My emergency contact. If something happens to me and I need someone to speak for me, handle business, notify the rest of my peeps, and yes, maybe even make some tough decisions. Like whether or not to pull the plug. I don't like thinking about such things but let's face it, it's a reality of life and something that must be addressed. Added to this is the fact that I am an avid motorcycle enthusiast and that means, I live a dangerous lifestyle. The probability of something happening to me is higher than the average guy. I honestly didn't know how to respond to the email. Who do I name? My wife and I are splitting up. I can't even lean on her at the end of a bad day anymore. How can I ask her to be my voice if I can't exercise it myself?

Candidates; I have two adult kids. My oldest lives with his wife and kids in England. Can't ask him because, well it's not like he can rush right over in the event of an emergency. Ah! My 22 year old daughter! Wait... she's currently on a traveling adventure that will have her in many parts of Europe for the next couple years. That makes her hard to reach and again, it's not like she can rush right over. Okay, so I can't name my kids. My Brother? Maybe but he lives about 400 miles away. My Sister? I don't even have a phone number for her. Mom? Um... no, not mom. Needless to say, I'm paining over this one. I wonder how many others have gone through this and what they did.

In the end I did what I thought to be the best solution... I emailed my wife and asked her. Turns out she hadn't considered it either. So we agreed we would continue to be each other's emergency contact. At least until the divorce is final. That gives me at least a little time to answer that question for the long term.

I bring this up because it's something that can be listed under the "duh" column of things to take care of. Yet it's something that simply had not occurred to me. And having that question put in front of me served to dish up a lot of angst. Until I have a long-term emergency contact named I will be terribly worried about my wellbeing. I'm not suggesting my wife will intentionally cause me harm. But let's face it, a divorce has the potential of turning lovers into mortal enemies seemingly in the blink of an eye. What if I happen to really piss her off and then wipe out on my bike? Will she be too quick to have them pull the plug? Or worse, will she intentionally delay action just to prolong suffering? I hate thinking this way but I'll be honest... this crap is going through my head.

So, if you haven't considered it... do so. Because now that I brought it up I'll bet you're suddenly wondering what the hell to do. Sorry... but it needed to be stated.

First night in my new place

If you've been following along you know that I have been slowly moving from our home and into a little rental as part of the transition from married man to not-married man (I can't bring myself to use the word "single" yet). The only things I have moved thus far are a lot of boxed stuff, a bed and most of my kitchen. Went grocery shopping yesterday to start stocking the place. I don't yet have my living room set, TV, dining room furniture, cable or internet or anything that makes being home a comfort. Nevertheless I decided to, ahead of schedule, spend the night in my new place last night. And I can't really articulate why other than I simply didn't feel like going home to "our" place.

First, because I am not one who tolerates silence at all, I set about trying to figure out how to bring some sound into the place. I accomplished this with my laptop and my iPod. It wasn't the best but it provided me with the music I enjoy and cured the issue of silence. Next, I had originally planned to pop a pizza into the oven and open a bottle of wine that I had gotten specially for the christening of my new place and new life. Instead, I had a soda and a ham & cheese sandwich. Kind of lack-luster I know. But you see, I have never been one to drink alone and the thought of opening that bottle just didn't sit well with me. I have no other explanation for this.

Technology is a wonderful thing. And so is one particular person with whom I am becoming close. In this case I was able to pass the time quite nicely by having a text message conversation that continued late into the night with me in my bed and my cell phone plugged into the power outlet next to me. This was especially comforting and served to actually warm the place just a little. Which is good because the place was cold, felt empty, and I'll admit it... I was lonely. Nevertheless, my friend may not really know the extent to which it helped to make a rather dismal experience, bright. Without naming names, you know who you are... and thank you.

This morning however was not so nice. In the past several weeks I have become accustomed to waking alone and getting myself ready for the day, alone. And even though it has been very much a solitary experience, my wife was still there in the same house (albeit in a different room). And that somehow made it okay. This morning though, there was no wife sleeping soundly in the next room.

Starting a new life, with all its openness and exciting experiences yet to have been had is a tremendously exhilarating thing. Everything is fresh, life experiences are waiting to happen, opportunities to reshape one's world are abundant, and the anticipation of great things tend to loom in the front of one's mind. Unfortunately none of this applied to me. In my case I was sad at the aloneness, felt a bit road-blocked with respect to personal growth, and the thought of reinventing my life wasn't welcomed, it was a burden. So there I sat on my patio while watching the rain and sipping on a hot cup of tea. And I was sad. Not a debilitating sadness that would have normally caused me to crumble. But more a sort of melancholy that cast a somber shadow over me that had me moving slowly and with little purpose.

Once I made it into my office, around people, activity, and things that required my attention, I was able to release the melancholy and get my head out of that lonely place and back into the moment. And it occurred to me... all those wonderful things that we anticipate about a new life are irrelevant. Instead there are many "now" moments that tend to be ignored as we travel through this dark period of our lives. It seems to me there should be more energy put into feeling and experiencing the now, and not so much about what MAY be. Things will emerge on their own but once the present moment gives way to the next, it's gone. Whether we remember it well or not depends entirely on what we do with them.

Be well my friends... and enjoy now...

Words to live by

Those of you who know me, know that I was married once before. My first wife - who is also the mother of my children - and I were divorced in 1997. Over the past several months I have been helping her out by providing moral support and counsel for a rather difficult situation with which she had been burdened. And in that time I believe we've gotten a little bit closer, a little bit friendlier and more than a little bit comfortable with each other. She in turn has provided a rather soft shoulder for me during my separation from my current wife. Which I'll admit is just a little bit weird but... it is what it is.

Now consider that we here in Southern California have just suffered some rather nasty weather (well, nasty for California anyway). Torrential rains, heavy winds dominate and being soaked to the skin is an understatement. And just when you resign yourself to the misery of the weather, amidst the storm and tornado warnings, there comes a little ray of sunshine that helps us to feel better, helps us to smile a little, or just increases our optimism for a brighter tomorrow.

While helping my first wife she made a simple statement. But I have said it a thousand times, there is power in simplicity. Sometimes incredible power. Her statement;

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain."

What a perfectly timed and incredibly astute thing to say. Right now, my life is one HUGE storm. And yes... I've only been passively participating in it, waiting for the storm to pass. I figured there isn't much I can do that makes myself feel good while the clouds are overhead and I'm being soaked. (Cool metaphors huh?)

This inspires me to change my point of view. Instead of waiting until I "feel better" what I should really be doing is learning how to enjoy myself and my life. Even while it's surrounded by all the problematic and emotionally draining experiences. I need to get out and dance in the rain.

The irony of this having come to me from my first wife is a completely different discussion. But we'll address that in a later post.

Supportive environments: we all need them

Who do you lean on?

Those who are or have gone through separation and divorce know all too well that it can at times, be a very painful experience. And in some extreme cases that pain can be absolutely debilitating. And those who haven't experienced it, sometimes just don't get it. When the pain gets to us we simply need something that helps. Some of us need to express ourselves. Some of us need a place to simply cry, or rant, or yell, or just to sit silently in contemplation, or even bitch about our spouses. And that place needs to be a safe one. As a grown man who believes I'm supposed to present a strong image, I cannot simply sob next to one of my biker-buddies. It just doesn't convey the right message about male strength. And please don't tell me that it's okay for a man to cry. It isn't. I've experienced the result of doing so in front of others.

In my case leaning on my friends can only be exploited for a short period before they start getting annoyed. No one wants a needy person leaning on them at every turn. My mother, God bless her, is a wonderful person who will always be there for me, typically offers only platitudes and little else. She means well, and in her mind she is helping, but platitudes aren't very effective when I'm feeling depressed. What to do?

In my view, one of the best things I did for myself, in this time of great pain, was to surround myself with like-minded people. Others who are going through it as well. Because they "get it" and they need that safe sanctuary too. Yes, I'm talking about the proverbial divorce-support-group. Again, those who haven't dealt with this don't get it and some of my friends have even laughed a little when I let them know I've joined a few. Nevertheless, these groups offer a few things that I need; That safe place I'm talking about, a view of others who have their own story to tell, a social environment where we all have something in common, sort of like a club.

One such group is, A New Beginning: The Orange County Divorce Support Group, based in Irvine, California. I found them through http://www.meetup.com. These folks are just plain awesome! My first night with them resulted in my meeting some very nice people. But the biggest thing I got from my first meeting came while listening to others tell their story. Without violating the code of , "what is said here stays here" I will say this; Listening to others' stories, seeing the pain in their eyes, or tears, allows me to put my own personal issues into perspective. There are others who, God love them, are struggling with issues larger than my own. And witnessing causes me to realize the challenges that I'm facing are not as untenable as originally thought.

But wait! There's more! Being in a position to offer your own story gives others the same result. And in so doing one learns about resources, legal matters, methods for coping, etc. I think of it as a sort of emotional healing co-op. We need help and we get it. Others need help and we give it. Simple. And it goes such an incredibly long way! I am not alone! I'm not isolated from the rest of the world. And I am NOT damaged goods!

There is also the social benefit. Consider this; You are going through a painful divorce and you have been invited to a party. While there your grief gets the better of you and you find yourself in the corner crying with that one poor person who gets to be your leaning-post. What a downer! Now consider a social gathering that is filled with people who are going through it too. Now when your grief gets the better of you... it's ok.

I'm certain there are a wealth of other benefits that I have yet to discover. But I will tell you this... I intend to continue with the few groups I've joined and hopefully enjoy all those yet-to-b discovered benefits. And I urge you to do the same. This is the single setting where there are others who understand, are completely supportive, make it ok to break-down, and will help to lift you up.

Moving out.

Moving out
Last week I signed a lease on a little place near my office in Long Beach, California. Today I actually started moving my belongings from what I’ll call the “marital” home, to “my” home. Now if you only look at the physical act, it can be stated that I simply moved a few boxes and some odds-and-ends… no big deal. Right?

True, the items that were moved were trivial. And there really wasn’t a whole lot of it either. It amounted to a couple loads in the back of my Jeep (The big stuff will be moved next weekend). But… what I want to discuss here is what happened to my heart when I removed that first piece from my car and carried over the threshold of my new place. THAT was huge and certainly much more impacting than I had anticipated. Well, truth be told, I never anticipated any impact at all. And because I never anticipated it, I was not prepared for it.

I’m grown up enough to know my marriage is over. Simply stated, I get it. But moving that first box cemented it in my heart. I had reached the point of no return and in crossing the threshold that separates outside from in, I also crossed the threshold between married and well… not married. That simple action was the exact point at which my entire life instantly changed.

In the moments immediately following, I would not have been able to articulate what was happening. Now however, after some introspection it seems to me that moving out of the marital home and into one occupied by only me was the first measurable thing that stated loudly, I am now alone. Let me restate that for absolute clarity; I am now officially…alone. Wow… And the bringing of that first piece made it so.

I lean back and take that in. And the first thing I notice is that I’m crying. The next thing I realize is that I am not speaking. I know that may seem an odd observation but my own silence intrudes upon my ears with deafening authority. Again… wow…
Now, I’m writing about this as a blog post. But to what end? Am I simply writing to allow what is inside of me to come out? Perhaps. Could it be that I wish to let others know to watch out for this and unlike me, prepare for it? Could be. Both? Certainly!

I believe there comes a point for us all where we face the solid reality of it all. This was mine. You may have your solidity-moment under a different set of circumstances. I suspect for a lot of us the impact will be just as cruel.

I'm deeply ashamed

Last night I did a very bad thing.

First a little background; My wife and I are separating. As of this writing I am still in the house but tomorrow is the first leg of my moving out. The decision to separate was spoken by me in early December however while I am the one who said it, it is what she wants. I only said it because for whatever reason she could not. I didn't want it but felt there was simply no other option. I've learned that I was right. Since then things have been pretty calm , civil and at times even friendly. Progressively over the last few weeks though, the distance between us has grown. I have been sleeping on the couch in our office for the past two weeks. And bitterness has entered our picture.

Now... Picture yourself being beaten with a baseball bat repeatedly as you simply sit and do absolutely nothing to defend yourself, nothing to stop the barrage of painful blows aimed, with great intent, directly at your heart. This is what happened last night but I was the one swinging the bat.

Having been easily baited into a fight I let loose a tirade of what can only be described as pure venom. It was 13 years of everything I had ever held back. I spewed terribly mean and vehemently hateful words, attacked her character as a human being, verbally beat the crap out of her. She didn't do anything to stop me and once started, I was incapable of stopping myself. I demolished the woman I love. In the end I saw the look on her face. I actually saw pieces of her soul just leave her. I saw her spirit absolutely crushed. I may as well have removed a part of her heart. The depth of what I saw on her face extends well beyond my ability to describe it.

My wife is an awesome person. Beautiful and with a huge heart filled only with goodness. We are splitting up because we simply aren't right for each other and it just took all these years to realize it. In a week moment I became bitter and forgot that. She didn't deserve what I did to her. In spite of the pain and heart-ache I have experienced over the years, my role as her husband is to protect her... not to cause harm. Especially harm that destroys the human spirit. Simply put, I f--ked up! Badly. I violated one of my own rules about what a husband is supposed to be. Later, after the dust settled, and I began to realize what I had done, I feebly tried to apologize. Too late... you cannot un-ring the bell.

This morning, as I write this, I feel about 2 inches tall, not worthy of looking any decent human being in the eye. I can't seem to stop crying. I have no rational explanation for what I did except that once started I could not control my stupid mouth. I am not seeking any forgiveness. Nor am I asking for anyone to help me justify my actions. Please don't tell me it's okay to do what I did. No one deserves to have their heart brutally trampled. I am expressing this here for a couple reasons; First because I really have no other place to do so. Secondly because if there is to be anything good to come of this it would be to serve as a warning to others who may be tempted to allow their own bitterness, anger, or whatever, to motivate them to such hateful acts. If I could magically rewind, I would take back every word and never speak them.

Thanks for reading... and please don't do this to your partner. In the end it hurts me much more than it did her.

Where it started

My wife and I have been married for 9 years (together 13). In that time I made the mistake of pretending the red-flags that had presented themselves even before we were married, didn't really exist. I'm not interested in embarrassing her so I will not give specific details about those red-flags.

On December 7 2009 I made the proclamation that we will be separating. But it is never as simple as that.

Owing to what she described as depression and anxiety issues, our marriage has always been a difficult one. In recent months, feeling my limit of tolerance I gave her an ultimatum. Either get help or we discuss parting. She went to get help, but in so doing she reached a point of indecision. She just didn't know if she wanted to be married to me or not.

One day I asked her what I should be doing; should I leave her alone, push her, go house hunting, what? She couldn't give me anything definitive. In the end I decided I was tired of waiting and announced we are separating. And that kicked off several weeks of the final decline.