Moving out.

Moving out
Last week I signed a lease on a little place near my office in Long Beach, California. Today I actually started moving my belongings from what I’ll call the “marital” home, to “my” home. Now if you only look at the physical act, it can be stated that I simply moved a few boxes and some odds-and-ends… no big deal. Right?

True, the items that were moved were trivial. And there really wasn’t a whole lot of it either. It amounted to a couple loads in the back of my Jeep (The big stuff will be moved next weekend). But… what I want to discuss here is what happened to my heart when I removed that first piece from my car and carried over the threshold of my new place. THAT was huge and certainly much more impacting than I had anticipated. Well, truth be told, I never anticipated any impact at all. And because I never anticipated it, I was not prepared for it.

I’m grown up enough to know my marriage is over. Simply stated, I get it. But moving that first box cemented it in my heart. I had reached the point of no return and in crossing the threshold that separates outside from in, I also crossed the threshold between married and well… not married. That simple action was the exact point at which my entire life instantly changed.

In the moments immediately following, I would not have been able to articulate what was happening. Now however, after some introspection it seems to me that moving out of the marital home and into one occupied by only me was the first measurable thing that stated loudly, I am now alone. Let me restate that for absolute clarity; I am now officially…alone. Wow… And the bringing of that first piece made it so.

I lean back and take that in. And the first thing I notice is that I’m crying. The next thing I realize is that I am not speaking. I know that may seem an odd observation but my own silence intrudes upon my ears with deafening authority. Again… wow…
Now, I’m writing about this as a blog post. But to what end? Am I simply writing to allow what is inside of me to come out? Perhaps. Could it be that I wish to let others know to watch out for this and unlike me, prepare for it? Could be. Both? Certainly!

I believe there comes a point for us all where we face the solid reality of it all. This was mine. You may have your solidity-moment under a different set of circumstances. I suspect for a lot of us the impact will be just as cruel.