I'm deeply ashamed

Last night I did a very bad thing.

First a little background; My wife and I are separating. As of this writing I am still in the house but tomorrow is the first leg of my moving out. The decision to separate was spoken by me in early December however while I am the one who said it, it is what she wants. I only said it because for whatever reason she could not. I didn't want it but felt there was simply no other option. I've learned that I was right. Since then things have been pretty calm , civil and at times even friendly. Progressively over the last few weeks though, the distance between us has grown. I have been sleeping on the couch in our office for the past two weeks. And bitterness has entered our picture.

Now... Picture yourself being beaten with a baseball bat repeatedly as you simply sit and do absolutely nothing to defend yourself, nothing to stop the barrage of painful blows aimed, with great intent, directly at your heart. This is what happened last night but I was the one swinging the bat.

Having been easily baited into a fight I let loose a tirade of what can only be described as pure venom. It was 13 years of everything I had ever held back. I spewed terribly mean and vehemently hateful words, attacked her character as a human being, verbally beat the crap out of her. She didn't do anything to stop me and once started, I was incapable of stopping myself. I demolished the woman I love. In the end I saw the look on her face. I actually saw pieces of her soul just leave her. I saw her spirit absolutely crushed. I may as well have removed a part of her heart. The depth of what I saw on her face extends well beyond my ability to describe it.

My wife is an awesome person. Beautiful and with a huge heart filled only with goodness. We are splitting up because we simply aren't right for each other and it just took all these years to realize it. In a week moment I became bitter and forgot that. She didn't deserve what I did to her. In spite of the pain and heart-ache I have experienced over the years, my role as her husband is to protect her... not to cause harm. Especially harm that destroys the human spirit. Simply put, I f--ked up! Badly. I violated one of my own rules about what a husband is supposed to be. Later, after the dust settled, and I began to realize what I had done, I feebly tried to apologize. Too late... you cannot un-ring the bell.

This morning, as I write this, I feel about 2 inches tall, not worthy of looking any decent human being in the eye. I can't seem to stop crying. I have no rational explanation for what I did except that once started I could not control my stupid mouth. I am not seeking any forgiveness. Nor am I asking for anyone to help me justify my actions. Please don't tell me it's okay to do what I did. No one deserves to have their heart brutally trampled. I am expressing this here for a couple reasons; First because I really have no other place to do so. Secondly because if there is to be anything good to come of this it would be to serve as a warning to others who may be tempted to allow their own bitterness, anger, or whatever, to motivate them to such hateful acts. If I could magically rewind, I would take back every word and never speak them.

Thanks for reading... and please don't do this to your partner. In the end it hurts me much more than it did her.