Supportive environments: we all need them

Who do you lean on?

Those who are or have gone through separation and divorce know all too well that it can at times, be a very painful experience. And in some extreme cases that pain can be absolutely debilitating. And those who haven't experienced it, sometimes just don't get it. When the pain gets to us we simply need something that helps. Some of us need to express ourselves. Some of us need a place to simply cry, or rant, or yell, or just to sit silently in contemplation, or even bitch about our spouses. And that place needs to be a safe one. As a grown man who believes I'm supposed to present a strong image, I cannot simply sob next to one of my biker-buddies. It just doesn't convey the right message about male strength. And please don't tell me that it's okay for a man to cry. It isn't. I've experienced the result of doing so in front of others.

In my case leaning on my friends can only be exploited for a short period before they start getting annoyed. No one wants a needy person leaning on them at every turn. My mother, God bless her, is a wonderful person who will always be there for me, typically offers only platitudes and little else. She means well, and in her mind she is helping, but platitudes aren't very effective when I'm feeling depressed. What to do?

In my view, one of the best things I did for myself, in this time of great pain, was to surround myself with like-minded people. Others who are going through it as well. Because they "get it" and they need that safe sanctuary too. Yes, I'm talking about the proverbial divorce-support-group. Again, those who haven't dealt with this don't get it and some of my friends have even laughed a little when I let them know I've joined a few. Nevertheless, these groups offer a few things that I need; That safe place I'm talking about, a view of others who have their own story to tell, a social environment where we all have something in common, sort of like a club.

One such group is, A New Beginning: The Orange County Divorce Support Group, based in Irvine, California. I found them through http://www.meetup.com. These folks are just plain awesome! My first night with them resulted in my meeting some very nice people. But the biggest thing I got from my first meeting came while listening to others tell their story. Without violating the code of , "what is said here stays here" I will say this; Listening to others' stories, seeing the pain in their eyes, or tears, allows me to put my own personal issues into perspective. There are others who, God love them, are struggling with issues larger than my own. And witnessing causes me to realize the challenges that I'm facing are not as untenable as originally thought.

But wait! There's more! Being in a position to offer your own story gives others the same result. And in so doing one learns about resources, legal matters, methods for coping, etc. I think of it as a sort of emotional healing co-op. We need help and we get it. Others need help and we give it. Simple. And it goes such an incredibly long way! I am not alone! I'm not isolated from the rest of the world. And I am NOT damaged goods!

There is also the social benefit. Consider this; You are going through a painful divorce and you have been invited to a party. While there your grief gets the better of you and you find yourself in the corner crying with that one poor person who gets to be your leaning-post. What a downer! Now consider a social gathering that is filled with people who are going through it too. Now when your grief gets the better of you... it's ok.

I'm certain there are a wealth of other benefits that I have yet to discover. But I will tell you this... I intend to continue with the few groups I've joined and hopefully enjoy all those yet-to-b discovered benefits. And I urge you to do the same. This is the single setting where there are others who understand, are completely supportive, make it ok to break-down, and will help to lift you up.