Can't think of a title

I really don’t know how to title this particular post. And after reading it I’m sure you’ll understand why. We all know that separation and divorce brings to the surface a plethora of emotions and with them, a hell of a lot more confusion about those emotions. Today I am sitting in my place. And while I do miss being a married man, I am comforted by the knowledge that this is indeed the best thing for me. Don’t get me wrong… I love my wife tremendously. And at her core I not only maintain that she is a good person… I’d defend it if it were to be challenged. Yet in spite of this, in spite of the fact that I both love and respect her, I know in my heart that separating from her is the best thing for me. I know that with respect to my own personal happiness and growth, and my ability to be myself completely without restriction, I need this.

Further, these past few days after moving out of our home, I have slept very well. Which in and of itself is huge! Or so I’m told. I’m waking up alone but in an up-beat mood. At the end of my day I get home to an empty house, but am not at all disheartened by it. I know this is still all very new and it’s entirely possible that this “good” feeling can give way to more emotional torture. So I’m accounting for that possibility. Nevertheless, I am surprisingly okay with it all.

And therein lies part-one my problem. I feel as though I’m too okay with this. I feel like I should be experiencing more grief and sadness from it all. After all I spent 13 years with the woman I love and to have it end, no matter the circumstances, there ought to be more upset over it. But the truth is, there isn’t. And I am burdened with a remarkable amount of guilt at the realization that I am suddenly not hurting. Don’t get me wrong, I am not throwing parties here. There is sadness. A hell of a lot of sadness. Just not at the loss of my wife. Please note, that was not a statement seeded in bitterness. I’m not angry, nor am I lashing out. I am simply trying to present myself as honestly as my capabilities allow.

In any event, this all serves to… well… spin my head around quite a bit. Where I was deeply saddened I am now just terribly confused. Where I was heartbroken, I am now overwhelmed with shock and dismay at my sudden change in the way I see it. Now, I’m told this is normal and that, like everything else that I have and will experience, this too shall pass. Truthfully I really hope it doesn’t pass. Well, I can do without the confusion but the good feelings I am experiencing now… those can stay.

Part two of my current state of confusion has to do with a rather awesome woman I met. And the inner conflict I have between my love for my wife and the fact that I am incredibly drawn to this new lady. But… this is a complex issue on its own and therefore, I’ll be writing about it in a separate post at another time. I will simply say this… it’s very complicated and has served to overwhelm my mind with a whole mish-mosh of new stuff with which I must contend. Stay tuned for the next installment of the drama that is my life.