Sex and intimacy

This is a touchy subject and likely to be cause for some controversy. Yet, it is something that is traveling through my brain at the present moment so it seems appropriate that I write about it now. From my perspective, the primary motivation for ending my marriage is owed to the fact that for the last several years, mine has been a sexless marriage (There! I finally admitted to it). Now I know what you're thinking; Didn't Karl mention that he had his vasectomy reversed in order to make babies? How could one do this in the absence of sex? And while that is a discussion all its own, it isn't the impetus for this particular post. So we'll leave that alone for the time being.

In recent time I have established a rather close relationship with a woman to whom I am deeply attracted. Though the idea of romance is one to which I am looking forward, today I am most certainly not ready for it. So I am happy to live within the boundaries of a "special friendship" for now. In any event, in recent discussions with this particular lady the subject of sex and loneliness came up. And being the idiot male that I am, I wrongfully assumed she was about to make a suggestion that we "get together."

Also being a typical male, AND coming out of a sexless marriage, one would have thought that the prospect of "getting some" would have been cause to have me doing back-flips down the aisle! That the prospect of sex, particularly with a woman with whom I feel a strong connection, should have been a wonderful thing. Yet my initial reaction to it was one of angst and dare I say it... fear. Don't get me wrong, I am not scared of this particular lady, nor am I scared of sex. And I am most certainly not scared of sex WITH her. Yet I became rather nervous to say the least. And in attempting to reconcile these feelings of angst and nervousness I came to the conclusion that it isn't really sexlessness that I'm leaving. It’s the lack of intimacy.

So if there's a distinction between sex and intimacy, what exactly does that mean? While I won't pretend to know all the answers, I can say that intimacy to me, can be defined as the expression and experiencing of a closeness that makes just about anything (outside of sex) not just safe, but welcome. Cuddling on the couch while watching TV, laying down with my arms wrapped around her, a passionate hug, an electrifying kiss, calling her "Baby" or "Sweetie", sharing details about our lives that wouldn't normally be shared with just anyone, an anxiousness to share both failures and successes. Over simplified yes, but I think you get the idea. I also believe that a strong, intimate foundation will allow sex to emerge. Note here that I said "allow" and "emerge." This is to say that sex isn't something that one should MAKE happen... it's something that one "allows" to happen. And the decision to allow it comes from a paradigm of intimacy (Okay... this paragraph took several re-writes before I got it right... whew!).

By the end of my discussion with my lady-friend, I gained clarity on what she was and more importantly, WAS NOT saying. And I learned a bit more about myself and what it is that I am really missing. And for the record... the experiencing of intimacy isn't causing me any level of stress or anxiety. Rather it's an awesome and wonderfully uplifting adventure. I highly recommend it...