Today I made a huge decision

Today I set in motion a very important change for myself. In order to convey exactly what this means though, I need first to go back almost 22 years. Back then, while still married to my first wife and after my daughter was a year old I had a vasectomy. I take a great deal of pride in having planned both of our kids. Equally, I am proud at having been responsible enough to "turn it off" when I felt that we'd not be wanting to have any more children.

Now fast-forward to about 3 years ago. My new wife (who is 12 years younger than I) and I decided that we'd have children. And with that decision came the decision to have my 20-odd year old vasectomy reversed. So after the many consultations, requisite blood tests (apparently California law says I needed to pass several tests for STDs and other infectious diseases), and several thousand dollars, I had the surgery in May of 2008. And what do you know... it worked! Of course, owing to other larger issues we never actually made a baby. Which in retrospect is good. In any event, here I am today, at the age of 48, splitting up with my wife. Needless to say I feel as though I dodged a very big bullet. The last thing I'd ever want is to fall back into a life of shared custody, child-support, fights about everything under the sun, and to remain permanently connected to another "ex." So I am breathing a big "whew" right now.

Which leads me to my currently formed decision. You guessed it... I'm going to have a vasectomy... again. And I made the initial phone calls to set the process in motion just this afternoon. Unfortunately, even though I explained that I had done it before, I still have to go through their silly little classes and consultations to be certain I really want to "go through with it."

So there you have it... to me this is as big a decision as having planned my two kids in the first place. At my age (not that I'm crying about being old), having children is a part of my life that has passed. Instead, at this stage in my life it's more appropriate and more to my liking, to be the granddad that I am for my son's children and my daughter's eventual kids. This is where I ought to be.

Add to this the fact that my wife really wants kids. And as such if she had any idea of a reconciliation, my decision to "turn it off" will most certainly be a deal-breaker. So I have effectively sealed my eventual divorce. Again... huge! This decision was not arrived at easily. I struggled with it because I know what it means for my marriage. I am indeed sealing my fate. Which is counter to my expressed wishes. But, the truth is, I'm done having children. And if my wife wants to remain at my side, or if I eventually meet someone else who wishes to share my life, it must be done with the absolute acceptance that having children is simply not an option.

Needless to say I have mixed emotions about this. No kids, sealing the goodbye to my wife, becoming the "next generation" in my life. I'm happy, sad, anxious, scared, and even just a little angry. Though in all fairness I can't honestly say with whom I'm angry. Or even if my anger is to be directed to any specific person at all. Whatever the case, this day is a very big milestone day as I enter a new life.