First night in my new place

If you've been following along you know that I have been slowly moving from our home and into a little rental as part of the transition from married man to not-married man (I can't bring myself to use the word "single" yet). The only things I have moved thus far are a lot of boxed stuff, a bed and most of my kitchen. Went grocery shopping yesterday to start stocking the place. I don't yet have my living room set, TV, dining room furniture, cable or internet or anything that makes being home a comfort. Nevertheless I decided to, ahead of schedule, spend the night in my new place last night. And I can't really articulate why other than I simply didn't feel like going home to "our" place.

First, because I am not one who tolerates silence at all, I set about trying to figure out how to bring some sound into the place. I accomplished this with my laptop and my iPod. It wasn't the best but it provided me with the music I enjoy and cured the issue of silence. Next, I had originally planned to pop a pizza into the oven and open a bottle of wine that I had gotten specially for the christening of my new place and new life. Instead, I had a soda and a ham & cheese sandwich. Kind of lack-luster I know. But you see, I have never been one to drink alone and the thought of opening that bottle just didn't sit well with me. I have no other explanation for this.

Technology is a wonderful thing. And so is one particular person with whom I am becoming close. In this case I was able to pass the time quite nicely by having a text message conversation that continued late into the night with me in my bed and my cell phone plugged into the power outlet next to me. This was especially comforting and served to actually warm the place just a little. Which is good because the place was cold, felt empty, and I'll admit it... I was lonely. Nevertheless, my friend may not really know the extent to which it helped to make a rather dismal experience, bright. Without naming names, you know who you are... and thank you.

This morning however was not so nice. In the past several weeks I have become accustomed to waking alone and getting myself ready for the day, alone. And even though it has been very much a solitary experience, my wife was still there in the same house (albeit in a different room). And that somehow made it okay. This morning though, there was no wife sleeping soundly in the next room.

Starting a new life, with all its openness and exciting experiences yet to have been had is a tremendously exhilarating thing. Everything is fresh, life experiences are waiting to happen, opportunities to reshape one's world are abundant, and the anticipation of great things tend to loom in the front of one's mind. Unfortunately none of this applied to me. In my case I was sad at the aloneness, felt a bit road-blocked with respect to personal growth, and the thought of reinventing my life wasn't welcomed, it was a burden. So there I sat on my patio while watching the rain and sipping on a hot cup of tea. And I was sad. Not a debilitating sadness that would have normally caused me to crumble. But more a sort of melancholy that cast a somber shadow over me that had me moving slowly and with little purpose.

Once I made it into my office, around people, activity, and things that required my attention, I was able to release the melancholy and get my head out of that lonely place and back into the moment. And it occurred to me... all those wonderful things that we anticipate about a new life are irrelevant. Instead there are many "now" moments that tend to be ignored as we travel through this dark period of our lives. It seems to me there should be more energy put into feeling and experiencing the now, and not so much about what MAY be. Things will emerge on their own but once the present moment gives way to the next, it's gone. Whether we remember it well or not depends entirely on what we do with them.

Be well my friends... and enjoy now...