Difficult Discussions

Last night I had a discussion about my soon to be terminated marriage. And unbeknownst to my conversational partner, I was asked some questions (innocently of course) that sort of caused me to take a harsh and honest look at myself. Now the specific questions or their answers aren't really germane to this post. What is, are the things I did, and in some cases didn’t do early in my relationship with the woman that would become my wife.

Simply stated, there were a number of behaviors that raised red flags. These occurred well before we were ever married and in fact, were brought up in conversation before the wedding by my best friend who simply wanted to stop me from making a mistake. Of course I didn't listen. Not to my best friend and more importantly, not to myself. I dare say that if I had listened to me back then, she and I would have never been married and I would have never lost the time I spent in a marriage that was destined to fail.

So how does all that apply to the present day? A couple ways. First, while dating my wife I was not cautious enough and instead was rather cavalier about certain things... even pretended certain things didn't exist. Today I am the opposite and find that I have become far too cautious. It has me gun-shy. While I am more attuned to the lifestyle of the married man, the idea of ever getting married again has me so absolutely petrified it's beyond comprehension. Granted, it is way premature to contemplate marriage again but it is something I think about and something that in the grand scheme of things, is where I'd like to end up. But right now... the idea of marriage only brings about abject fear.

The other area where this all applies is actually a good thing. Simply put, I am using my head more. Which is new territory for me. Normally, when it comes to matters of the heart, I am driven solely by my heart. Today I am taking a much more pragmatic approach to romance and relationships. This is not to say that my heart is excluded from the equation but rather my head carries equal weight in governing my romantic pursuits. I am keeping my eyes open. I am making sure to listen to all the little alarms that go off in my head and deal with them as they do.

I can't and won't pretend anymore. Else end up right here again and at my age, I can't afford to invest my heart or my time again into something that will eventually fail. So I will say this... IF I ever pop the question... IF I ever put my heart there again... it will only be after a lot of good, hard, eyes-wide-open, pragmatic, and honest understanding of the person I'm with.

I guess you can say I've grown up a little.

Refreshing the pain

I was chatting with a good friend, who like me, is going through his own divorce (albeit under different circumstances). In that conversation something came up that started me thinking. I am finding that participating in environments (like discussions in a divorce support group) where others share their painful story, and I do the same, actually causes me to dwell heavily on the very thing that originally broke my heart.

Each time I find myself in such an environment and re-tell my story it refreshes the sting. I'm suddenly forced to see it all, experience it again, feel it as though it just happened. Suddenly I'm restarting the whole dam emotional process! My heart breaks anew. Repeatedly! All the feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, insecurity, apathy, a poor self-image, etc. hit me right square in the face! With tremendous force!

My goal, with respect to my emotional self, is to reach a point where my divorce is nothing more than a small and insignificant piece of my personal history. Not something that, whenever it's brought up, causes me to start the grieving process all over again. Does that mean I must continue to discuss it? That I must repeat the heart break again and again until I simply stop feeling it? It just seems to me that I should be taking myself as far away from it as I possibly can. Yet I question if that's the right thing to do too.

I want to be normal! I want to have this experience behind me! I don't want to be in the middle of it anymore! And I don't want to feel like crying every blasted time it comes up in conversation! Is that too much to ask?

Blessings

Whenever I start to believe my current state of mind and state of heart are going to settle into something... everything changes. I have enjoyed the last week feeling pretty dam great. I even wrote about how I feel guilty at my indifference to my pending divorce. This morning however I woke up in a foul state.

I've been doing very well at managing the mechanics of my life (bland though it may be). I keep my place clean, I feed myself, I shower regularly, I pay attention to my work responsibilities (though I tend to do it from home), my bills are paid on time, yet I still feel as though I will be waking up from a dream soon.

A dynamite lady has captured my heart. She is like a sunrise on a crisp, chilly morning. With her I feel strong, manly, and just a little bit taller. When I have her wrapped up in my arms I'm substantial. She takes care of me, worries about me, laughs with me, and is slowly making me believe that I am truly worth something. Yet I still wake up lonely with a terrible feeling of insecurity.

But in spite of it all. In spite of the sadness, loneliness, insecurity that all come and go with seemingly no consistency whatsoever, I am surrounded by people who are there to lift me up, who make me realize I am worth it, who provide a shoulder or ear whenever I need it, and have never asked for anything in return. These are all the blessings that I enjoy and appreciate.

My kids, my best female friend "B", my best male friend "M", my very special lady "J", my mom (Yes at the tender age of 49 I still need mom). And there are two additional folks who don't realize how much they have helped that deserve to be acknowledged and listed among my "blessings." I met both through the divorce support group to which I belong. "J" and "K". You two have helped me more than you know and I appreciate it.

I know it's hard to identify those people when all I use are a single letter but remember my rule... no names on this blog. At least not yet. But all those noted here know who they are. And I hope to God they realize how much I appreciate them.

Feeling guilty that I'm not feeling badly

I realize that I find it rather easy to write about that which brings about extreme emotional reaction. The things that hurt, break my heart, make me cry, or just leave me feeling sad or lonely. When things are doing well, I am hard pressed to figure out what to write or how to do so.

Today is one such day. More precisely stated, this past week has been such a week. For the past seven days my life has been, for lack of a better term, ordinary. I've been working, enjoying my hobbies, spending time with my lady friend, and just cruising through my days like I haven't a care in the world. Even the occasional work-related challenge doesn't impact my delicate sensibilities.

I am however, grappling with tremendous guilt. Guilty that I am not feeling badly. There is a small part of me that believes I SHOULD be upset, sad, lonely, angry, bitter etc. with respect to my split from my wife. But I don't feel any of those things. Truth be told, when it comes to my marital end, I am indifferent. I neither feel bad nor good about it. I simply feel guilty about my indifference. If that makes any sense at all.

The one thing that stands out though, is I have volunteered to be on a call-list for our divorce support group and have made myself available for anyone who simply needs to talk. I remember when I started down this road, I desperately needed someone to talk to, to lean on, even scream at. Someone who understood what I was going through. So now that I have reached this point in the emotional process I am happy to help others get here too. Why have I done this? Simple... because when one helps others, he helps himself. I honestly believe in that. The simple act of providing a shoulder, or an ear, or some friendly counsel, brings it to myself as well. And while I may not be feeling badly at the moment, I know that I am not out of the woods yet. Knowing myself, I am all too aware that it takes very little to catapult me back into the emotional mess I was in at the start of this journey. I'm at least aware enough to know that.

So that's all I have for today. Who knows, maybe I'll get a call or email from my X-2-B and tomorrow I'll br writing about my re-wounded heart.

The business end of things

I just received confirmation from X-2-B (Yes, J, I'm borrowing your term) that all credit cards and the remaining tax liability are paid off! With respect to the business end of our pending divorce, this is an important milestone. Unfortunately it creates within me a set of mixed emotions. Oh how I look forward to the day that I am beyond the whole divorce thing!

My initial response to the idea of divorce was one of heart break and a strong desire to do anything in the name of keeping my marriage together. This came from my view on marriage in and of itself, as well as the fact that I simply loved her and looked forward to a long and happy life together. Today however, my reaction to it is diametrically opposed. Today, my desire is to completely sever all connection to her and quite frankly, to erase her from every aspect of my life. This, by the way, does not suggest I suddenly hate her. I do not. I just want to move my life in a direction that no longer includes her in any way. Meaningful or minor.

Yet, in spite of this, the news of this business-related milestone leaves me both elated as well as just a little bit sad. I'm elated because this clears two significant ties to my X-2-B. I'm sad because it clears significant ties to her. While I have made it clear that I don't want any connection to her at all, losing connection actually hurts... just a bit... okay maybe more... Whatever... I didn't expect to feel this way and I hate it. I hate that in spite of the fact that I now WANT to proceed with the divorce, she still has a hold on my heart. Right now I feel pretty pathetic...

A new "normal"

Life is returning...

My life since separating from my wife has been anything but normal. My days are typically spent in an unsettled fashion where I travel through each with the sense that my "real" life is just around the corner. The life I'm living now is a sort of temporary life akin to the business traveler. Staying in places that aren't mine, managing the day-to-day as though home and regular life is in some distant place waiting for my return.

While I still find that I am quite guarded, or perhaps more accurately stated, cautiously optimistic, I just spent a weekend that would otherwise be considered "normal." Yet given the paradigm under which I exist, this weekend represents what I consider to have been a spectacular time filled with supra-normal stuff. Socially, I joined my new friends (others who are going through separation and divorce) on Friday evening for a fun-filled time of drinks and dancing. On Saturday I, along with a very special lady (Oh hell... who am I kidding? Let's call her what she really is... my girlfriend), spent the day cavorting with the motorcycle crowd, hanging out with my best mate, and riding through her old neighborhood for a little trip into her past, all on a beautiful day. That evening I cooked dinner for the two of us, enjoyed that with a nice bottle of wine. On Sunday it was breakfast, taking care of some mundane household chores and just enjoying each other's company. Absolutely magic!

Now my "normal" is what I described in the opening paragraph. Which means this weekend was a huge cut ABOVE "normal." And I have to admit... I really liked it. This morning, as I write this, I am on somewhat of a high and in truth, I cannot wait for THIS to be my new "normal." Given the heart-health that it clearly promotes, it's certainly a much better way to live.

Something is happening to me

Without wanting to be pompous or self-glorifying I any way, I would like to believe, with my ability to convey most thoughts, impressions or ideas, I'd be able to articulate this. But in this particular case I find it very difficult. Something is changing within me and while I don't know exactly what that is, or if it will even sustain, I feel as though I am on the verge of something grand. I find that my heart is overflowing with tremendous emotion. Oddly, it is simultaneously intensely foreign and bizarrely familiar to me. I want desperately to be surrounded by only goodness and I want only to bring goodness.

I had a conversation with a friend recently who had expressed envy toward another for whom he has very little respect, and how that person has achieved a heightened level of professional success. And with it, very big financial reward. It was as though the absence of professional success and its riches have somehow made my friend "less than."

This got me thinking about how I define the term "success." I believe it has nothing to do with a person's bank account. Money is nothing more than the power to purchase. My measure of success is found in two very simple things; How many, and at what depth I am able to touch the hearts of others. And how many and at what depth others touch mine.

This change... I know it is seeded in the ability to touch the heart. Of that I am certain. In what capacity or level of granularity however, remains to be discovered. Further, I have no idea whether this can be attributed to my marital break-up or if attribution goes elsewhere. All I know is I feel that I am on the brink of a profound transformation. What I do not know is if this is real, if it will sustain, or if I am simply feeling something that will pass in much the same way as the tears that come and go.

A guide... an instructional booklet... someone to take my hand and lead me through the maze... Any of these things would be helpful in my quest to reconcile this revelation that has dominated my mind and my heart for several days now. Yet I suspect there is no guide nor mentor. Instead this is something through which I must travel alone, and my hope is when I emerge from it, I'll have clarity and will then understand what I'm supposed to do with it.

My weekend in review (good and not so good)

It's Monday morning and I'm sitting here sort of reflecting on my weekend. From an emotional perspective I ran from the extreme of delight and exhilaration, to the other extreme with an experience of weighty gloom. I suppose this is going to be the new paradigm under which I exist. One where I sway from one emotional excess to the other with seemingly no real catalyst. The proverbial emotional roller coaster.

On Saturday I woke at 5:00 AM to make ready for a group ride with my riding club. It's not often I write about the motorcycling part of my life here because in most cases it's not relevant. Since I moved from "our" home and into my own place, I did so with a focus on being close to my office. And that meant being far from the riding club's activities. Our "Home Base" if you will, is Mount Baldy and I live in Long Beach (Signal Hill). My ability to ride with my friends had been greatly reduced since my wife and I split. So today it's relevant.

In any case, the ride was a 400 mile day with 15 other bikes including one of my closest friends "M" (remember, no names). The day was filled with riding on the freeways, city streets, and some cool sweepers through the canyons down past the Temecula Valley and into Anza Borego, about 90 miles due east of Escondido. We had lunch in Borego Springs and a small group of us rode back through Highway 79 and more canyon riding. I returned home by 5:00 or 6:00 PM. This was an awesome day filled with fun riding, good company and the camaraderie that I simply needed. Awesome, awesome day.

Sunday was the mixed bag. This year my birthday fell on Easter Sunday and when your birthday competes with a biblical holiday there isn't much one can expect. :-) My lady-friend celebrated the holiday with her kids. And since we are not yet ready for me to meet the kids, that meant no lady friend. While I respect and support her involvement with her kids, I missed her and it would have been nice to see her. Sunday morning was the most difficult where I experienced a strong sense of loneliness. You can read about that here. Sunday afternoon was spent at a friend's where we celebrated the holiday with a nice lunch and we even toasted my birthday and had some chocolate cake. I don't know if they know it, but J, S, and K pretty much rescued me from what would have been a day of heart ache. Thanks you guys! You rock!

The evening finished off with a nice conversation with my lady friend and I drifted off to sleep some time after midnight. Overall, a good weekend interrupted by some crappy heart ache but nonetheless... it was good.

Easter and my birthday

As soon as I learned my birthday would be competing with a biblical holiday, I knew there was little chance of it being my day in any significant way. What I hadn’t anticipated was the resulting experience of intense seclusion.

I woke Easter Sunday to a painfully empty house. As I do most of the time, I had fallen asleep on the couch the night before. When I woke the TV was on to some news station and I had a nasty headache. Which seems to have been around for the last few days. In any event as I do most Sunday mornings, I put on some gospel music and went about my morning ritual of showering, cleaning, coffee, and the like. And while I went about my morning I became aware - as I do whenever trapped in solitude - that I hadn’t spoken a single word. I have no explanation for this. I just know that my silence is some sort of loneliness-meter. The more I note the lack of speaking, the lonelier I feel. Perhaps it’s the other way round… I really couldn’t say.

But this morning it was intense.

In the kitchen I stopped to pour a cup of coffee. And as I did I felt it… Tears welled in my eyes and I sniffled a bit. Something caught the back of my throat. Soon I was standing there, out-and-out sobbing. I was alone and felt it. I hadn’t spoken a single word since waking and I noticed that too. This is the morning of my birthday and I should be in a good mood. Yet there I stood, crying like a child, overwhelmed with the sense of isolation, and deeply grateful that no one was around to see it. At the same time deeply saddened that no one was there to sooth it.

I realize that this was my first birthday on my own. There was no one there to wish me a happy day, no one there to sneak a present onto the dining room table before I come out of my room. No special dinner. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like there is NO ONE who acknowledged it or wished me a hearty “Happy birthday.” The truth is I have received plenty of that throughout the day. But the point here is while in my own home, the quiet and solitude on the morning of my birthday became overwhelming.

Eventually I stopped crying and continued about my business. The loneliness however didn’t really diminish. Instead it stayed in the back of my mind like a dull annoyance. The headache was stronger and in spite of the several Excedrin, it didn’t seem to want to leave. By mid day I was on the road to spend an Easter Sunday afternoon with some friends. And the moment I walked through the front door, everything was fine.