Because you asked

I have to admit to a couple things here. First, I’m just a tad surprised and humbled by the number of people who reach out to me in the spirit of discovering how things have been. Secondly, I find it remarkable how, after so long, that my life can continue to evolve and change where one day to the next, I really don’t know what to expect. Life post-divorce is weird but when I consider what I’ve gained, I wouldn’t trade it away.

As you may recall, my divorce was finalized in January of this year. And in the wake of that process I did in fact walk away with all conditions exactly as I wanted. This however, is not to say I am unscathed.  Even the best of divorces come with tremendous loss… no one walks away a winner.

So where am I now? Well I’m still in the same little rental I moved into when we initially separated. I’m still working at the same job. I’m still learning new life-skills like how to cook real, honest-to-goodness food.

While I am absolutely certain that my divorce was the right thing for my heart, I still suffer moments of substantial loneliness. Though the frequency and duration of those moments have diminished measurably. I’ve discovered that I tend to fall for women who aren’t available. But if it weren’t for the friends I’ve made along the way I would have most certainly crumbled. Certainly.  So my important peeps are something for which I am very grateful. And the lessons I continue to learn from them are valuable indeed…

• The truest measure of success is the depth and caliber of your relationships.
• People come into your life for one of two reasons; either they need to teach you something, or need to learn something from you.
• Love and hate go hand-in-hand but indifference is the antithesis of love.
• It’s okay to feel bad for a friend who’s in a bad way, but it’s not ok to make their problems yours.
• We teach people exactly how they should treat us... And the do…
• Life and more importantly, living, is a work-in-progress.
• Vulnerability is the birthplace of shame… but also at the core of joy, excitement, and human connection… love.
• New socks feel wonderful.

 Be kind and respectful to yourself...

What a wild ride

I haven’t posted anything here since July of last year. On that “final” post I mentioned that every time I’d sit and start writing, instead of a catharsis, it served only to revive the “ouch” of my separation, divorce, and attempts at redefining my life. But owing to some strong urgings from a few people who have taken the time to reach out to me, I am here, writing an update to what’s been happening.

It’s been a wild ride!

First and foremost… my divorce is final! Finally! I am now officially a single man! While the process took a lot out of me, I’m happy to report my circumstances aren’t as bleak as they could have been. I actually managed to walk away with everything exactly the way I wanted. Rare in the world of divorce, and I count myself extremely lucky to still have my ass! Although that’s pretty much all I have. Note here that I do not consider the dissolve of a marriage as something to celebrate. Rather, the conclusion of a painful process is the thing over which to rejoice. My ex is a wonderful lady and at the end of the day, after getting past the heartache and at times mean-spirited mechanics of the process, I wish her only success and happiness in its truest form for her future. Whatever that means to her.

Next. I’ve made mention numerous times in this blog about a certain lady with whom I was involved, a wonderful lady who captured my heart. I’m sad to report that she and I are no longer together. And while that brought with it its own heartache, I have to actually thank her. I’m not certain if she realizes it but she helped me in immeasurable ways, to live through what is likely to have been a debilitating exercise. It’s no secret that I am a highly heart-driven, emotional man and that my divorce was at times heart wrenching and paralyzing. She taught me that I am worthy of love, that I am still capable of loving, that I’m not as “unmarketable” as I had originally thought. It certainly goes much deeper than this but suffice it to say, she helped me and taught me so much that I doubt I can ever repay her for the wonderful gifts she gave me.

So just in case she is reading this… THANK YOU!

Friends. I guess if there were any “good” thing that came from my divorce, it would have to be the friends I have made along the way. You all know who you are. I honestly believe my life has been enriched simply by my knowing you. It’s sort of sad to know that it took something like the death of my marriage to establish these wonderful relationships. But I’m ever-so-happy I did.

Finally I have put myself “out there.” I am in pursuit of one of those long-lasting, emotionally meaningful relationships (whatever the hell that means). The difference however is that I am doing it in the traditional sense. You know… boy meets girl… boy asks girl out… girl accepts… boy asks for second date… etc etc etc. It’s a rather new paradigm for me and while it’s at times a little intimidating and I occasionally feel like an awkward child, it’s also very cool! I’ve had a handful of dates with a rather nice lady who has interests that are very similar to mine and is likely one of the easiest ladies with whom to share thoughts, impressions, and ideas. I met her kids over the weekend and while it didn’t seem to be an earth-moving event for her, it was for me, a tremendously profound and impacting event. It was in fact HUGE! To be introduced to a person’s “important people” is a milestone by which I measure the way a person views me. And those who know me know that it means more than can be described. Okay… reality-check. We’ve only had a few nice dates and while I view her as a very cool lady, there really is no way to tell if this will be a lasting and meaningful relationship or not. All I know right now, is that I’d like to find out.

So… there it is… my update… I guess the simple take-away message here is that there is in fact an end to the pain and torment we all experience in this crappy divorce thing. And emerging from the muck we can in fact, do so as stronger and more balanced human beings, capable of enjoying all the wonderful things that life has to offer. How cool is that?
God Bless you all!

It's time to move forward

When I started writing this blog, it was on the recommendation from a few of those witnessing the heart ache I went through in the throes of this whole divorce thing. The primary impetus was simply the cathartic value. As I wrote, the associated feelings seemed to simply melt away. Yay for me! Right?

Well lately, every time I sit to write something, instead of an emotional cleansing, I actually end up reliving it. Suddenly all the tears and heart ache are right back with a vengeance! I have started and stopped several new articles owing to a fragile heart. This unfortunately turned my catharsis into a mind-numbing and emotionally taxing task. Something I simply cannot abide.

So... in spite of all the positive feedback I have received, all the personal emails I have received and (hopefully) all those who found value in my words as they relate to their own situations, I am halting this blog. I will likely not be writing again. At least not any time soon. Perhaps, when my divorce is over and done and I am finally able to move forward with some sense of normalcy, I will revisit.

I'd like to express my sincere appreciation for the support I've received. It's been an awesome value. But it's time for me to look forward. To dive into some much neglected writing projects that have absolutely nothing to do with my divorce. A lot of those who have read this blog have my personal email address. You are all welcome to reach out. Be it for a social invitation, the need for a shoulder and open ears, you are not only welcome to write me... but invited as well.

Just remember... as you travel this ugly divorce road, don't forget to breath. Everything is temporary and while it may not feel like it now... you will emerge from the muck and will be a stronger person for it.

     Cheers to you all!

     Karl Valentine-Rothenberg

I learned something that I've always known

Discovery can be a wonderful thing. Experiencing the new and unknown brings with it excitement, adventure, a sense of venturing into a new and wonderful place. This is not one of those discoveries. Rather it's an unearthing of something I've always known about myself. Yet I guess I never knew that I knew. I'm posting this here because, albeit indirectly, it is something about me that served as one of my contributions to the end of my marriage.

In matters of the heart I am a terribly passionate man who falls rather quickly. This can be a good thing if the one on the receiving end happens to be receptive to it. As was the case of my first wife. However in the case of my second wife - the woman from whom I'm divorcing now - it turns out not to have been the wisest thing. You see, in that case I did in fact fall quickly. Yet it took some time for her. Owing to this paradigm I allowed myself to move at a pace that was always several steps ahead of her. Imbalance. And this resulted in my feeling as though there was never enough.

Which brings me to the present day. It's no secret I have been involved with what I consider to be a wonderful lady. She possesses all the qualities essential for one who would capture my heart. Including wisdom. I won't lie, I have fallen for her. The difference in this case however, is the combination of her wise, pragmatic view and mine (at least what I have acquired in my tender years). With her help I am focused more on the moment and the goodness that it brings. Certainly I have this natural tendency toward forward movement. Which is where her wisdom and pragmatism are an essential element in our relationship. She keeps me grounded, at times kicking and screaming, in the "now" thus allowing whatever forward movement to emerge naturally. Balance.

I chatted with my first wife about this. I asked her if I am indeed one who moves so quickly. She laughed. And once that subsided she said it this way, "You're like a kid who gets excited about something and you just dive in." I guess that's a fair assessment. But I maintain, that while I may fall quickly, it is real. I just need to learn how to slow down a bit. Allow the forward movement to emerge naturally instead of putting effort into making it happen. And as I said, I have found someone who (a) understands this about me and (b) is able to keep me in the present. Again... balance.

I guess you can consider this a re-discovery about myself. Something from which I choose to take as a relearned lesson. I believe if I can master this "take it easy and slow down" approach to matters of the heart, I will be much better off for it.

Don't mind me... I'm just ranting

I've been intentionally quiet these days. Opting for an emersion into what I would think to be a regular life. Given the conditions under which I have been living, hum-drum and average have a compelling draw. Yet I still find that the more I delve into the regular I am also burdened by a nagging sense of "all is not well" with my world.

The concrete stuff; close friends and family members with extreme health issues, unusual work-related challenges, somewhat of an impasse with someone important, trying to get a handle on cash-flow, the need to spend more than I want, weekend get-aways that are in jeopardy of cancellations for a variety of reasons, obligations stemming from my having spread myself too thin, my divorce has again stalled, waiting for my X2B to respond to the latest round of junk. And those evenings when I am home alone, I still find the silence deafening. It's all becoming too much.

These are the days where I'd like very much to simply vanish and find some solace that allows me to escape this "regular" world. To allow me a comfortable and stress-free rest. Oh how I long for a quiet and unencumbered, unburdened existence. One possible solution would be to be a witness to some horrific crime that causes me to fall into a witness-protection program where I am able to reinvent my life from the ground up. Where I can have a new identity, move to a place where no one knows me, to live afresh with no burdens or liabilities or boundaries. That's the ticket! An entirely new me. But alas the cost for such a fantasy is far too great.

Forgive my ranting. I'm just venting here because I'm certain my friends are simply tired of hearing it.

Turns out I'm angry

In a meeting with my therapist last night (yes, how very California of me), it became rather clear that I am not as well-adjusted as I had believed. After chatting and then hearing her observations I am realizing that I am not as balanced as I had thought. Without divulging details, I shared with my therapist, my feelings on the mechanics of the divorce and what my official position happens to be. She asked me why. And with very little consideration I stated the following:

• She put me through thirteen years of what turns out to have been a false set of circumstances.
• Thirteen years were wasted where I could have devoted myself to something real and therefore sustainable.
• I will never get that period of time back. Wasted and resulting in the harsh realization that my life with my wife was seeded in dishonesty

My therapist's response, "So you're pissed!" I denied that and she repeated it. And well... I guess I am. Angry. I feel as though I have been away from anything meaningful in life and now that I'm back, I find that missing thirteen years serves as a detriment to me in the grand scheme of things. It's very hard to articulate but absent those years, I am also absent the growth and love that I COULD have enjoyed. I feel as though I am owed something for that.

So yes... I'm angry. I'm downright pissed off! I never deserved this and contrary to what some would think of me, I am a good and decent person. You just don't mess with the lives of good and decent people. You just don't!

My girlfriend and my 1st wife

I haven't seen my son in a year. He lives in England with his wife and kids. He flew into Vegas last week, staying with his mom (my 1st wife) and they drove down to Southern California this past weekend. She stayed with friends, and my son stayed with me. It was an awesome experience being able to share in some very cool father-son time. On Sunday afternoon, I introduced him to my girlfriend.

While seeing my son and my lady sitting, chatting, laughing, warmed me beyond imagination, that's not really the purpose for this post. Instead, I'm sharing the experience of having my girlfriend, meet my first wife. It happened Sunday evening when we dropped him off with his mom. After enjoying a some nice Peruvian food at Mario's, we took my son back to where his mom was staying. Owing to past experiences with past women, I assumed my girlfriend would choose to wait in the car. Nope! She went into the apartment with me. Dig it!

Special note: In this blog, spread out over several posts are two very important messages that are consistently conveyed (as they apply here); First, I am enjoying a growing and special friendship with my first wife. Secondly, my heart has been captured by one very special lady.

Now... picture this:

Introductions were made. We stayed to visit for a bit... So here I am standing up on a small patio while at the table, seated side-by-side, are my girlfriend and my ex-wife. Let me say this one more time for added punctuation, my first wife and my girlfriend were at the table, seated together... Chatting! Laughing! I'll be honest, I don't remember what they were actually talking about. I was too preoccupied with the scene itself. I think there may have been some mention of lots of embarrassing stories about me. But I don't know for sure. I found myself a bit nervous, though can't really identify why. I just know that the adrenaline started to work on me and after only a few more minutes, I announced it was time to leave. They hugged!!! I swear I saw it! My ex and my girlfriend.... I'm amazed.... just amazed...

As I mentioned; due to the experiences I have had in the past, I felt it would be an uncomfortable situation and wrongfully believed my girlfriend would opt to maintain distance. When she made it clear she had no intention of doing so, I was very moved. It warmed me to know she was happily willing to be included. It also made me nervous as hell. :-)