Discovery can be a wonderful thing. Experiencing the new and unknown brings with it excitement, adventure, a sense of venturing into a new and wonderful place. This is not one of those discoveries. Rather it's an unearthing of something I've always known about myself. Yet I guess I never knew that I knew. I'm posting this here because, albeit indirectly, it is something about me that served as one of my contributions to the end of my marriage.
In matters of the heart I am a terribly passionate man who falls rather quickly. This can be a good thing if the one on the receiving end happens to be receptive to it. As was the case of my first wife. However in the case of my second wife - the woman from whom I'm divorcing now - it turns out not to have been the wisest thing. You see, in that case I did in fact fall quickly. Yet it took some time for her. Owing to this paradigm I allowed myself to move at a pace that was always several steps ahead of her. Imbalance. And this resulted in my feeling as though there was never enough.
Which brings me to the present day. It's no secret I have been involved with what I consider to be a wonderful lady. She possesses all the qualities essential for one who would capture my heart. Including wisdom. I won't lie, I have fallen for her. The difference in this case however, is the combination of her wise, pragmatic view and mine (at least what I have acquired in my tender years). With her help I am focused more on the moment and the goodness that it brings. Certainly I have this natural tendency toward forward movement. Which is where her wisdom and pragmatism are an essential element in our relationship. She keeps me grounded, at times kicking and screaming, in the "now" thus allowing whatever forward movement to emerge naturally. Balance.
I chatted with my first wife about this. I asked her if I am indeed one who moves so quickly. She laughed. And once that subsided she said it this way, "You're like a kid who gets excited about something and you just dive in." I guess that's a fair assessment. But I maintain, that while I may fall quickly, it is real. I just need to learn how to slow down a bit. Allow the forward movement to emerge naturally instead of putting effort into making it happen. And as I said, I have found someone who (a) understands this about me and (b) is able to keep me in the present. Again... balance.
I guess you can consider this a re-discovery about myself. Something from which I choose to take as a relearned lesson. I believe if I can master this "take it easy and slow down" approach to matters of the heart, I will be much better off for it.
